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Showing posts from July, 2012


I am re-writing my tale of moving.  My tale of anxiety and worry and exhaustion is now becoming my tale of Adventure and Joy and Anticipation!

Just look at what this move has in store for me!

Fun Stuff!
Tom Cruise!
New Friends!
Old Friends!

I am going to go to California and be a mother frikyan star!

I am gonna own a private jet!

I am gonna get my eyebrows waxed once a month!

I'm gonna eat sushi more than you!

I'm gonna buy a brand new car with...AIR CONDITIONING!

Yeah.  This is gonna be great  Woo!

Seriously, Though...

I don't think Jeremy realized that pink was not the original color of his bathtub.  Yeah...

But bless his heart.  He is a 31 year old actor who is doing a great job of being present in his daughter's life.

After 4 step-dads and a miserable marriage (how I would love to blog about that, but I won't be), he seems like he's gonna make it.  He's good people.  The best kind.  He's putting his daughter first, which is the right thing to do.  She is everything to him.

I am lucky to call him my fellah.

An 80's Pit Stop

Jeremy is moving to Denver tomorrow to be closer to his daughter who lives in Greeley.

I've been helping him most of the day and partly yesterday.

Because I've been so busy scrubbing a straight man's apartment, if you get my drift, haven't had time to write.

So I entreat you with some 80's themed photos:

Me- 4th grade.  Circa 1986.  Ransom Elementary, West Monroe, Louisiana.  The 3 of us were doing Run-D.M.C.'s You Be Illin' for the 4-H Talent show.  It was a highlight of my elementary school career.  I need to blog about that period of my life.

Me in Vegas a little over a year ago.  With not just one, but 2 MJ's.  It was during my sobby-24/7 period.  This moment was one of the few that dried up the ol' peepers.  Can you guess which one is the real MJ and which one is really Elvis in an MJ disguise?  


More on Steve Bajooly (Are You Sitting Down?)

I have quite the update for you...

Remember Steve Bajooly?

So he and his wife are splitting up.


I ran into her at work.  When I asked how she's doing, she said, "Awesome!"  Apparently it's been a long time coming.  Hmmmm...  I didn't pretend to be shocked.  My reaction was more like, "Oh, you'd like to check out this Nora Roberts novel?  Okay."

I'm not gloating.  Promise.  Remember how I'm divorced?  I went through that.  No matter how much one or both parties wants it, it's still unimaginably rough.  And that's putting it mildly.  Oh, and they've got SIX kids.  Six.

There was a time before my divorce was final, (and remember, I really wanted the divorce) my mom and I were having lunch at Quizno's.  I could barely have a conversation.  I was trying.  My mind was being pulled away from me by other forces.  My mother at one point had this frightened look on her face and said, "Ashley??"

I hope his w…

Agent Orange is a Good Description, Too OR Becoming a Single Working Mom

Well, yesterday was semi-productive.  Probably more than semi, but you know how hard we are on ourselves.  After both jobs, I felt like my head was going to fall off.  I. Could. Not. Do. Anything. So I delivered my kids to a friend's so I wouldn't have to feed them or anything annoying like that.  Came home, slept for an hour.  Hard.  The only reason I woke up is because Mistress Quickly literally crawled onto my stomach and curled up.  Mistress Quickly is a cat, by the way.  So with all her cat weight on my tummy, I had this excruciating urge to pee, which I attempted to ignore.  You know how you do that cause the sleepin' is sooo goooood?  *Sidenote:  I still have not found a temporary home for Mistress Quickly.  Any of you know of a quiet atmosphere for an older, spayed, shy Bengal cat for only a couple of months, if that?

So I got up.  Then I did an hour-long online assessment to see if I have the chops to be a collections agent for a bank in Pasadena.

When I Feel Like My Lungs Won't Inflate, Is That Bad?

So much going on right now, bitches-

I am hauling crap into a storage unit a little everyday. 

I have to keep my town home clean for showings.  Hahahahahahahaha

Squeezing in private time with Jeremy after kids have gone to bed, cause I'm, like, moving away from him.

Making dates to see friends and say goodbye to them.

Jeremy and I spent all of yesterday trying to make Pioneer Day (Utah holiday) special for the kids with pizza, fireworks, parade, park. 

Applying for jobs in California online as much as possible, meaning as much as time allows. 

In the process of applying for state aid in California- Hello, California!  I'm yet another single mom, and I've decided to come to your state!  Give me money!

Ada Tells All & What I Look Like in the Morning

This was Mother's Day of this year.  Because of the horror in Colorado, I am a little more sentimental lately. Hopefully, more tender and patient with my babies, as well.

My Virgin Mouth

DISCLAIMER:  My devout Mormon mother always taught me that Heavenly Father (what Mormons call God) has a sense of humor.  Which is why it's okay to laugh at things like this.  Enjoy.

I joke that coffee is the Mormon gateway drug.  But it's probably really Mountain Dew, if you wanna get nitty gritty, and I know you do.  *Sidenote:  Did you know that caffeinated drinks are not sold anywhere on the BYU campus?  (If that has changed, feel free to correct me)

The first time I had coffee it was at a hotel.  Matt and I were still very active in the LDS (Mormon) church.  I'm pretty sure it was my angry period during 2008.  Matt and I were out of town, and I woke up one morning in the hotel room before he did, which was the case 99% of the time regardless of where we were sleeping. 

Another Tiny Crumb

I made Ada cry today and probably Timothy.  I'm just so freaked out by all the changes about to happen.  So, I'm taking my stress out on them like any good mother would do.

Then there's the whole Ada asking me to go to church with her today.  Oh gosh, Ada, oh gosh!  I just, just, just, just can't!  I mean, there was the last time I wentAND now there's my blog!  Who knows exactly who in the ward has seen it!  And I say 'fuck' in it!!

What I really said was, "I really need to think about that.  Perhaps, I'll be in the mood for some chorizo today."

How It Started

My struggle started for real in 2008.  The Prop 8 business in California.  It was too much for me.  Ooo, I was angry.  Let me tell you.  And every time I got up to teach in Relief Society, I felt like a fraud.


Hana is my oldest.  She's 14.

I could really just end the post there, and I know you'd all be like, "Woah."  And you'd be right.

She's an incredible child in many ways- in good ways and in I'm-gonna-pinch-her-titties-off ways.  In some ways she's smarter than me.  Like, once when she was 8, we were on a trip and watching The Three Amigos in the car.  (Yep, we have a mini-van with a DVD player AND we watch The Three Amigos-THAT'S HOW COOL WE ARE!)

It gets to the part with the Singing Bush.  Remember that part?  And remember how the three amigos are all, "ARE-YOU-THE-SINGING-BUSH?!"  Well, Hana starts laughing and says, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe he's asking it if it's the Singing Bush."  And that was the first time I got that joke. 

One night last year, when I was already single-mommin', I was barking at the kids for messes they'd made and such.  After the tirade, I was walking past Hana and under my br…

Telling Ada Her Dad is Gay

First, I want to say something to this person:

Thank you.  I cried.  Good tears.  I am also in awe.And I especially loved the Qui-Gon Jinn sticker.

Since I posted about Ada a few days ago, I've been recalling so many things about her that I haven't in a while.  Like telling her Matt is gay. 

Are You Jealous of Me?

I have felt great about this move to California.  It's best for my kids to be close to their dad, and more than that, for us ALL to be close and be as much a family as possible.  It's great for me because there will be more opportunities out there professionally.  It's also good for my own well-being to have the kids spend time with dad on a regular basis.

Granted, I am going out there without a job or place- we're staying with Matt for now.  I am "jumping off a cliff" as Matt's sister calls it.  But she means it in a good way, because she jumped off that cliff when she left for California herself.  Thing is I feel wonderful about the unknown/adventure/risk.  I truly feel in my heart and soul and gizzard that not only is the move right, but amazing things are in store.   *Sidenote:  Ada keeps pushing me to get a job at Marshall's or Von's, cause I guess those places are rad.

I have had moments, however, when my mind registers ALL that is about to…

Just the Facts of Life

There is a totally mothah-effing radical guy from Wetumka, OK that I may or may not work with at either the library or the gym who I'm gonna call BeBop.

We like to make work FUNSIES, so today BeBop asked me some questions.  Because I told him to.  Because I had blogger's block today.

Here's what he asked me and here's how I answered:

Driving down a road, you see James Cameron on one side and a cute kitten on the other, who do you swerve to hit?


As far as personality goes, who in your family is a duplicate Ashley?


What are 3 things you love?

Condensed milk
Straight-man sex

What are 3 things you hate?

Music from the latter half of the 90's
Your dreams

If you had to choose an advertising slogan to capture yourself, what would it be?

I must be your lucky star/Cause I shine on you wherever you are

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Richard Dean Anderson

The End.



That's right.


Picked up Timothy and Ada on Saturday night. 

I missed them so fracking much.  When I miss them, I think about all the cosmically precious things they've ever done. 

I would like to tell you the magical tale of Ada.

Ada is my youngest-slash-oldest child.  Let me give you examples of what I mean: 

Mommy in Trouble
When she was TWO, there was a night, like many many many many many many nights, when I was putting all the kids to bed, and I had quickly become the Wicked Witch of the West.  After much screaming by yours truly, the worst mother on the planet, Ada said very calmly, "Mommy, can you come talk to me privately."

BYU Prof & Catching Up (Rated PG13)

I had dinner last night with a former BYU professor-let's say his name is Brilliant Amazing- who I hadn't seen in 14 years.  As we were catching up, we talked a lot about my divorce.

I told Brilliant Amazing how once at church in Relief Society a couple of years ago, the High Priest group leader-let's call him Steve Bajooly- came in to make an announcement.  I was sitting on the front row.  A HP group leader's main concern is the widows and otherwise single "sisters" of the ward (congregation).

His announcement:  "We will be having a dinner for all the High Priests, their wives, and all the(his gaze pans over directly to me) sss-"

Did he just edit 'single sisters' from the announcement???  When he was looking right at me no less???

5 in the Morning

I had to open the gym this morning.  I go in through the side door so I can get lights, TVs, and music turned on before I open up to the regular 5 am group waiting outside the main entrance.

This morning, no one was there.

That regular crowd of about 6 people was not there waiting like every other Friday morning.  My first thought was that maybe it was because of my blog post yesterday.  My next thought was zombie apocalypse.  I felt silly very quickly after thinking these thoughts.  The zombie apocalypse should have occurred to me first, of course.  I felt like maybe I owed zombies an apology.  Or at least the cast of The Walking Dead.

So this oversight on my part, made me think about how much this blog has become a part of my daily, even hourly, experience.  When my first post went up and I got such an insane response to it, my first thought was, "If I'm gonna continue with this blog, I really need to know who I am."

And I do.  I know who I am.  I love nachos and woul…

My Husband Tells Me I Need to Soften My Vagina

My youngest, Ada, still likes to go to church occasionally.  Makes sense.  The little kids sing songs and color and play games.  One recent Sunday, she asked me to go with her.  I said okay.

She went to her little kids classes and I went to the big people classes.  The first one, Sunday School, was tolerable.  But only tolerable.  The next one was Relief Society.  Relief Society is the organization for women of the LDS (Mormon) Church.  

There are a lot of good things that happen because of Relief Society.  They make sure you get meals delivered to your home if you just had a baby, are very sick, just had surgery, had a death in the family, and such.  They are known to make blankets for less fortunate children.  The Relief Society typically puts together care packages for people all over the world in crisis.  

But then there are the weekly Sunday meetings.  

There is a lesson and discussion.  

On this particular day, I lasted about 20 minutes in Relief Society.  Then I went across the s…

Moving to California

This move has been a long time comin'.

Matt got a job in southern California last September.  Even before that, I knew that I wanted us to be as geographically close as possible, because I want the kids to be close to their dad.  Other really good reasons are:  Matt and I are best friends, there is nothing really holding me here in Cedar City, maybe it's time for me to focus on really beginning my career as an actress...among others.

I've been in Cedar City for 8 years, which is the longest I've ever stayed put anywhere.  Before that it was the 4 years I spent in West Monroe, LA from age 8 to 12.

I say, if you're gonna live in Utah, Cedar is pretty dang great.  It's got a small town atmosphere, but with lots of diversity (for Utah).  Mountains, state parks, national parks, hiking, and Las Vegas are all crazy accessible.

But I'm off.  I still plan on focusing on my blog, giving it daily attention.  And, no, I do not have a job or place yet.  But my gut is…

You Asked For It: More on The Artist

So I was on a high.  Alliteration, tears, and puke aside, connecting with a straight man was like discovering a new home planet. It really felt like I was in outer space. This particular experience was unlike anything else I ever experienced in my 35 years.

Then a couple days later, he texted me, "Although I enjoyed our evening of starry sweetness, I am not ready to open my heart to anyone right now."

And I cried.

The First Time Jeremy Told Me He Loved Me...Poor Guy

We started dating August of last year.  I was just coming off of the high of "dating" The Artist, when I met Jeremy for the 2nd time (the first time we met was in '08 when I was married and eating).  We hit it off real quick, partly cause he told me he's also divorced and is a parent.  We met up later that night at a local improv show and chatted.  He seemed way too serious, so I was like whatevs

The next night we were with some mutual friends at Denny's (it's where theatre people go), and he was sitting right next to me when I texted him, "Wanna bail?"  He said, "Yes."

Dating Again or The Artist

The first summer I was single again, I wasn't ready to date.  I wanted to be ready, cause of wanting to touch and kiss and hug, but it only would have been a great, hideous mess.  Then there was the next summer, which was just last summer.  (Apparently summer is the only time to date)
I'd like to tell you about a guy I dated, using the term dated quite loosely, who will be known henceforth as The Artist.  Chances are pretty nil that The Artist is reading my blog, so here goes!  (tap out to my friend, Susan in Tennessee, with her hand over her mouth, quietly muttering, "Oh, god, Ashley, don't don't don't")

Maybe This is Why No One in Cedar Took Me Up on My FB Plea to Go Out Tonight

Remember when I said this back on June 13th: 
"I'mnot really crazy about blogs. I read a blog post maybe once every 6 months. It's just the way I am.

Today I use this blog as a tool. And this may be the only post,"  ?

Remember that?

So, turns out, I'm doing this blog. 

I'm committed. 

I love sharing.  I always have.  But I had been searching out in my mind and heart the best way to share my experience for a couple of years.  And then something happened back on June 12th...


The Happily Divorced Couple

One thing I love about my relationship with Matt nowadays days is that we can openly ogle over hotties together.  The hottie for tonight was this little number:

Le sigh, Gregory Smith.

Who Am I? pt 2

I work 38 hours a week. 24 at one job, 14 at the other. I work at the public library, and I work at a gym.

I do not have time to read or exercise.

I did a tarot reading once for my sister using Apple to Apples cards. There is a video of it.

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are...She Brings You Good News, or Haven't You Heard?

This is a day of Independence!  For all LGBT and their descendants!

Wouldn't today be a super duper day to come out?

But you're are scared.  AND EVEN THOUGH I WOULD LOVE TO, no one should be dragging you out of the closet (perhaps unless you are making plans to marry someone of the opposite sex...perhaps).  You should do it when you feel ready.  But what if you never feel ready?  What if you are terrified of losing the people in your life that you love the most, like your parents or siblings or et cetera?  What you face is put it mildly.

So here's what I have for parents and siblings and et cetera today.

Meet The Young Lady Who Fell From a Star~

I don't know how this former acquaintance of mine would feel about me linking her blog, but this family's journey is JUST. TOO. AMAZING.  The human family needs to hear about the journey the Rudd family has been on with their little Atty.  I just don't know how this story could not open your minds and softe…

Horrible, Heart-Wrenching Part of Divorce with Nicki Minaj

The longest I'd ever been away from Timothy (a year and a half old at the time) was ten days back in '04 when Matt and I went to Europe to celebrate the completion of his 2nd Masters degree.  I was pregnant with Ada.  We left our three kids with my parents in Baton Rouge.  Matt & I boarded the flight from Baton Rouge a couple of hours after saying goodbye, and I started to sob.  Matt made fun of me.  I said something like, "Matt!  You don't you miss them?!"  He replied, "Uh, no.  I've been away from them for two hours before!"

So I Called the Church 'a Lie'...

I want to clarify (and keep in mind, this is how I have come to feel about my very specific experience- the failure of my LDS temple marriage to a homosexual). 
I have strong feelings about the way the Church teaches (more so than what) combined with the issues that surround marriage (in general) and homosexuality. 
I feel these things are taught and viewed in an inauthentic way.  I feel this way because of my personal experience, which really happened to me- actual events in my life.
I have used the term 'fairy tale'.  

To My Mormon Audience

From time to time, I have been a bit brash on here regarding The Church.  I would like to explain.  

I was hurt by The Church.  I was hurt because it let me down.  It was like being in a relationship, being in love with someone, and being betrayed.  

I was having a conversation with Jeremy, about how he'd remained so utterly devout even when he was being doled out years worth of unfortunate malarkey.  I mean, he had a gay dad, right?  His deeply concerned LDS leaders had some things they just had to say in order to sleep at night.  Like, "You shouldn't spend too much time with your father, or the adversary will tempt you to live the homosexual life style," and "Anal sex is the cause of AIDS."  He had a step-dad who may have used his priesthood as an excuse and a tool to be an ass.  The thing is, these men really thought they were helping him.  But it was guidance like this that contributed to the ultimate demise of his faith later in his life.  They didn'…