Saturday, July 21, 2012

Whippersnapper

Hana is my oldest.  She's 14.

I could really just end the post there, and I know you'd all be like, "Woah."  And you'd be right.

She's an incredible child in many ways- in good ways and in I'm-gonna-pinch-her-titties-off ways.  In some ways she's smarter than me.  Like, once when she was 8, we were on a trip and watching The Three Amigos in the car.  (Yep, we have a mini-van with a DVD player AND we watch The Three Amigos-THAT'S HOW COOL WE ARE!)

It gets to the part with the Singing Bush.  Remember that part?  And remember how the three amigos are all, "ARE-YOU-THE-SINGING-BUSH?!"  Well, Hana starts laughing and says, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe he's asking it if it's the Singing Bush."  And that was the first time I got that joke. 

One night last year, when I was already single-mommin', I was barking at the kids for messes they'd made and such.  After the tirade, I was walking past Hana and under my breath, in my dormant Louisiana accent, I said, "Ah'm sick uv awl these kids."  And without missing a beat, Hana, like a smiley librarian, says, "Well, you shouldn't have let dad put his penis in your vagina..." 

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so unhinged that I involuntarily started doing the running man. 

But, hey, smart girl!

At some point thereafter, she started saying vagina for everything.  How was your day today, Hana?  Vagina.  Hana, why didn't you do the dishes?  Vagina.  Hana, did you smack Timothy?!  Vagina.

So it eventually occured to me that I could talk about my vagina to retaliate.  Oh, BAH-LIEVE me, that is the last thing your teenage daughter wants to think about. 

One day I mentioned my Brazilian.  "What's that?" Hana asks.  Tee hee!  I'm so about to tell you! 

Then I started telling her, in rare tender moments, that I'm so glad I grew her in my uterus and pushed her out of my vagina.  NAILED IT! 



6 comments:

  1. I can quote The Three Amigos by heart. Just Sayin'.

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  2. I have a plethora of awesomeness.

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  3. Straight survivor of MORJuly 21, 2012 at 11:25 PM

    Dude! When you dumped the Mormon lifestyle and vocabulary, you REALLY dumped it! Rock on, Sistah!

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  4. hilarious ashley!

    and now queuing up the 3 amigos on netflix- it has been way too long.

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  5. SSOMOR- LOL

    GrittyPretty, that's what I'm sayin'

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