My Virgin Lungs

This is not a post about marijuana.  Though, it could be.  I've tried it...

Boring.

This is a post about good ol' fashioned cigarettes.  And me.

My daughter, Hana, started smelling like cigarette smoke from time to time.  Could she be smoking?

I decided, yes, she was, after going through this process of elimination:

1)  She's hanging out with smokers.

2)  She's wearing cigarette scented perfume.

3)  She's smoking.

I spoke to her about it.  Several times.  She'd change the subject each time.

I'd say things like:

1)  I know you're smoking.

2)  Stop smoking.

3)  Please, stop smoking.

4)  It's against the law.

5)  Smoking is the dumbest thing anyone could ever do.

When she changed the subject, she give me a blank look for around 4 seconds and then say any of the following:

1)  When am I getting my cell phone?

2)  Can 'So&So' move in with us?

3)  So...'What's-His-Name' came over today.

So finally, after this bullshit, I pulled out the big guns and started saying things, like:

1) Knock it off, or you can forget getting your learner's permit (she'll be 15 this month)

2) Quit it or forget ever getting a cell phone.

3)  I will sew up your vagina.

Then last week, I came over to Matt's place to steal his internet.  Timothy was here watching TV.  Upon my walking in to the house, Timmy says, "Oh, mom.  Gotta show you something."

I followed him into Hana's room where he pointed to an open dresser drawer and, lo and behold, there was a half-empty pack of ciggies.  And a lighter.

I know what you're all thinking.  "Jeez, Hana!  Hide your contraband better!"

Bless her little heart.

(I say little, because the girl is tiny.  She's 15.  She's done growing, and she's like 5'2".)

So I immediately, without needing to think twice, or 1 1/8 times, confiscated the paraphernalia.  It went into my purse.  Where it stayed.  Until...

...I was at karaoke a few nights later.

Call it whatever you will, but I smoked one.  First time ever (see title of post).

I wanted to see what it was like.  My 14 year old baby was smoking this shit.  What was she getting out of it?

I went outside to the patio of the bar and lit up.  Well, first, after realizing I didn't know what the hell I was doing, I opened the door to the bar, made eye contact with my sister, and waved her down.

She joined me outside.  I said, "How do you do it?"  Holding up the the unlit cigarette and lighter.

She got it going for me, and because of all the practice I've had smoking pens and pencils over the years, I was a natural.

After a few puffs, I looked at Carrie and asked, "What's the big deal?  What's the appeal?"

"It relaxes you,"  she replied.

"Oh..."

I wasn't getting it.

Boring.

So, okay, the next day:

I

FELT

LIKE

CRAP

Oh Em Jee!!

It was like all my organs were only functioning at 50%.  I had a headache.  A neck-ache.  A toothache.  A gum-ache. A knee-ache.  I felt like walking dead.

Then I remembered something.  I'd felt like this before.  Often.

My first job ever was working as a receptionist at a mobile home dealership in Tulsa when I was 16.  The salesmen smoked up in there all day long.  And there I'd be...breathing it in, all day long.  Breathin' it in all up in my Mormon lungs!

And the next day, guess what?  I'd ALWAYS feel like CRAP-O-LA!  The organ thing, the head, neck, tooth, gum, knee-ache thing.  And exhaustion!  Oh my gosh, the exhaustion!

So back to my point... amazing what a little bit of nicotine can do.

...well, I did finish the pack.  I'm sure that didn't help.

♎

I'm such a Libra.

I was blogging every single bless-ed day for months.

Then I crashed.

I just had to.  I'm a Libra- I had to just stop for a while.  I gotta have some balancing time.

I wouldn't say I necessarily wanted to.  It wasn't like one day, I said to myself, "Oh, god.  Do I really have to blog today?"

It was more like when you've had several days in a row of several beers a night, and you can't help but eventually notice that you're awfully bloated and sluggish.

Maybe my blog has served its purpose.

Maybe its...done.

Maybe not.

Maybe the dingo ate your baby.

Here are some highlights of the last several months that I shall gracefully impart unto thee heretofore:

#1  My credit effing sucks.

#2  I continue to see things happening with the Mormon church that affirm my choice to leave it behind.

#3  I love my apartment.

#4  I am dialect coaching for Secret Garden at Performance Riverside.

#5  I sold my van.

#6  I am car-less.

#7  Stuff I can't blog about.

#8  Stuff I shouldn't blog about.

#9  My daughter, Emma, still lives in Utah.

#10  My daughter, Hana, has been smoking.

#11  My son, Timothy, is seeing a therapist.  (I'm jealous)

#12 I'm thinking of becoming a prostitute.



Have a magical day!

My Sister's Article

This is an article by my sister, Carrie Wilkinson, on the Elephant Journal! 

Give it a read and leave a comment on the site!

'Told You So'

This is the funniest thing you'll read all day.

In Which I Interview My Sister About Moving in With Me

Me:  Hi, Carrie.

Sis:  Hello.

Me:  I'm interviewing you right now.

Sis:  O..kay...

Me:  You recently moved.  Correct?

Sis:  I did.  I'm a free bird.  Because I live wherever I am.

Me:  I see.  So, where do you live right now, at this time?

Sis:  Well, I take my slumber at your house, Sister.  But I like knowing that I live in California.

Me:  And why is that?

Sis:  Firstly, California is more evolved than many of the other states.  It has mountains, Gandalf, mountains! And the Mother Ocean is not too far away.  And I can smoke pot here and not feel...like a criminal.

Me:  But you are a criminal...

Sis:  (giggles)  According to the effed up system, you mean?

Me:  I mean, it's not like you live in Colorado.

Sis:  Well, it beats Louisiana & Oklahoma.

Me:  Tell me about the highlights of your first 6 days here in Southern California.

Sis:  Coming from the Louisiana swamp lands (for the last 4 months), the air here seems crisper and smells much better... delightful even.  I love the Palm, Orange, and Lemon trees.  And the mountain views in the distance (looks fondly out the window).

Me:  K

Sis:  I'm enjoying the authentic Mexican food, Trader Joe's- which I like to call Elysium...  Of course, I always cherish time with family and Sizzer (sister).

Me:  Um, what are some fun things you've done with Sizzer so far?

Sis:  We've gone to World Market, you're wonderful place of employment with its eclectic worldly treasures.  Had liquid nitrogen ice cream.  And watched Wanderlust 3 times.

Me:  Jesus, Carrie.  What about the drag show I took you to featuring Raven of RuPaul's Drag Race fame?

Sis:  Aahhh, yes.  That.

Me:  Yes.  That.

Sis:  It has been many a moon since I've gone to a drag show because I realized that I was never going to find a heterosexual man to have sex with if I continued hanging out at the gay clubs all the time.  But I must say it was top notch.  And I wish it would have been my birthday so I could have been made to talk about how much I love to perform a O*%! S@# in front of the gay man who would never be interested in my talents.

Me:  Well, I'm hoping you particularly enjoyed Raven's rendition of The Jet's "Crush on You" complete with banana-clipped wig and pink, belted jump suit with shoulder pads. (gives threatening look to Sis)

Sis:  Um...  loved... it.

Me:  I hate you.  Move out.

Sis:  (giggling nervously) Um, what else fun have we done (looking at ceiling, ignoring sister)?  We've hung out at the best coffee shop in town, Olive Ave Market.

Me:  That is exactly correct.  Why won't you get your eyebrows done with me, bitch? (crosses arms)

Sis:  Because au naturale is very important to me.  Besides on my nethers.  All dats gots ta go.

Me:  Oh, but you also like mani-pedis.

Sis:  One of the few girly things I value.  I also do it for men.  Cause boyyyy do they love that shit.

Me:  Hey, sis.  Why the fuck won't you watch Battlestar Galactica with me?

Sis:  I have watched 3 episodes of the 1st season.  All it is is a soap opera in space.  And 'So Say We All' annoys the hell out of me.

Me:  ...can't argue there.

Sis:  And they do the 'frak', right?

Me:  (nods head) Any final words?

Sis:  Yes, for more of me, please check out my blog (authorcawhite.wordpress.com), twitter (@MermaidLion), and FB fan page (Facebook.com/authorCAWhite).

Me:  Any final words about California?  Or Ashley?

Sis:  Nothing is coming to mind.

Me:  Wow.

Sis:  Don't hate  me.

Me:  I already said that I did.

Quadruple

So I haven't talked to my dad in about 3 1/2 years now.

I could tell you some fascinating stories about why this is. Stories that teeter on the point of entertainment.

The point for today is:

I was informed by my mother that my father will be having quadruple bypass heart surgery tomorrow.

God.

What am I supposed to do with THAT?

I don't need anyone to tell me that now is the time to make peace with my dad. My choice is/was not an issue of forgiveness nor is it a form of punishment I'm inflicting upon my dad.

My parents, I think, feel differently.

All that aside, this certainly makes me think. Think thoughts that I don't have time for. I don't have the emotional energy for these thinks.

It just makes me wanna sleep. In a cave. That's dark. With bottles of wine.

My dad.

Why I Need A TV

I don't watch TV much at all ever.

Except for the following:

Game of Thrones
The Walking Dead
New Girl
Girls

Anywho, there's no TV set up here yet. Not even DVD watching capability. So what are Timothy and Ada doing? Throwing pencils and erasers into the pool from our balcony.

Now, I'm sure if my children didn't suffer from a 'lack of parenting', they wouldn't need to do that... Or watch TV even!

I love cuddling with my kids.

I love having deep conversations with them.

I love playing with their toes.

I love making them laugh.

I've never been good at the other stuff, like, 'Let's all gather 'round the family dinner table and sculpt the faces of all the presidents out of clay!'

I tried to get a game of Memory going this morning. And that quickly morphed into the afore mentioned 'what can we projectile into the pool of our new complex that has as many rules and doctrines and signs and symbols as Mormonism?' activity.

I mean, hey, y'all. I grew up on TV.

Lots of it.

And look how I turned out!

(Interpret that as you will.)

(Yes, a gay-marrying, failure of Mormonism)

(Now go jump in a lake.)