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Showing posts from November, 2012


I am going to take a break from the blog.  There are things going on right now in my family life that are difficult for me to process and that I'm not in any way interested in writing about.

I may only need a week-long break or maybe longer. We'll see.

In the meantime, you are welcome to request an invite to my closed Facebook group, "Ashley's Tiny Crumbs", where lots of discussion goes on about a variety of things.

Politics, Jesus, Wee Wee's, and Sofas

Last night at work, I walked past an older lady who stopped me and said, "Can you help me for a minute?"

"Of course," I replied.

She had some questions about the colors of a sofa she was partial to.  We discussed things about the sofa and another one on the other side of the aisle.

This gal was a very tall black woman with an intense personality that reminded me of my elementary school teachers in Louisiana.

So I told her I'd need to go up to the front of the store and ask some questions to get the info she needed about the sofas.

"Are you new? Are you seasonal?"

"Yes, I've been here a little over a month.  I'm hoping they keep me after the holidays. But I just moved here from southern Utah.  Was working 40 hours a week and still couldn't pay rent.  So I moved in with my ex-husband on a temporary basis."

"Utah...that's where the Mormons are..."

"Yes, I was Mormon."

"Are you still Mormon?"



A couple of years ago, while still struggling to hold on to my religion, I was at dinner with 3 BYU friends who'd all left the church.  I did not identify myself as such quite yet.
As the topic came around to Mormonism, I mentioned that the thing keeping me hanging in there was feeling the Holy Ghost.  I asked the friend that I knew the least in the group what she did to feel the Holy Ghost since she'd stopped attending services.  
She immediately pointed out that the thing she missed most about Mormonism was the service to others that seems to be quite constant when you're practicing.  And she went on to explain ways she'd filled that void in the last several years.  
I realized later on that she never answered the question I actually asked, which was a about the Holy Ghost.  
And I felt... stupid.  
It was presumptuous of me to assume that she even still believed in a Holy Ghost.  So I thought that maybe she was trying not to hurt my feelings by avoiding the concept …

Friday Foto (F)album!

Ada around 2 years old.  She'd pull her pants up like this a lot.  I think it made her feel grown up.

Ada this summer.  She was pretending to be a girl whose parents died in a car accident and this was a photo of her missing them.

Me in college.  I was hungry.  Circa 1995

Me and a Pedo-Bunny.  Circa 1980

My brother.  Thomas Horatio (sp?) Wilkinson.

Timothy at Ariel's Grotto restaurant at Disney's California Adventure.  Circa 2006

My cat, Richard, asleep on my bed in Cedar City.  Circa this summer.

New Year's Eve party 2 years ago with ye olde BYU buddies- none of us are Mormon anymore... what did BYU do to us???

Hana and Emma inside one of the A's outside of California Adventure.  Circa 2006

A goat.

Richard with Frankie, who he knocked up.  Frankie went outside a week before we left Cedar and never came back.  


Me.  Circa 1980

My beautiful mother and myself.  1976.  

A photo of Ada that her teacher gave me today at Parent/Teacher Conference.  Circa today…

I Just Wanna Be Loved, Is That So Wrong?

Jeremy is in Colorado making friends.  I think that's fantastic.

His primary group of friends are the people he works with at Starbucks.  And some of these co-workers are girls.

Now, hang on.  This post isn't about jealousy.  (Just kidding, yes, it is.)

He's been hanging out with his new friends enough that fragile, little me started to have the first inklings of nerves.  We were FB chatting a couple of nights ago when I brought it up- 'it' being my nervousness.

"It's just that with me so far away, your friendship with one of these attractive girls could so easily escalate without anyone ever meaning for it to."

He Skype called me right after that.

I answered.

He assured me nothing like that would happen.

I started to cry.

I Skype cried!

I really just wanna see my boyfriend.

Thoughts on the Election by a 13 Year-Old

"I'm sick and tired of people my age who can't even vote arguing over the Presidant! Like seriously! Why do you care so much!?? We are supposed to be kids and not give a flying monkey poop about politics! And honestly, no one who can vote cares about you opinion because in their eyes you are still a kid! In 4 years we will be barley old enough to vote! And all we are supposed to do as kids is go to school hang out with friend's and be a care free mofo!!!!!! It's getting old! And saying "oh the country is just going to get worse" doesn't apply to you yet!! God! We. Are. Still. Kids!!! That's why you can't vote until 18!! Gosh!!! We just need to Not CARE!!! It's just dumb and we are waisting our short childhood! Hold on to it! Don't let it go because you'll miss it when it's gone!"

My daughter, Emma Neves, everyone.

If Only This Could Slooow Down the 'Growing Up'...

From the time Hana was a toddler to about 7 or 8 years old, she'd ask me to tickle her when I'd put her to bed at night  She loved it.  She found it incredibly soothing.  And I found it beyond special to connect with her in this way.

Hana didn't breastfeed.  She wouldn't.  She would not have anything to do with it.  We went to lactation specialists, tried several techniques...  not happening. 
As my first child, this was nothing less than heartbreaking.  My 22 year old self feared that we would never bond.  
I pumped for her for 3 months and then dried up.  
So even though we didn't bond in that way, she showed me throughout her younger life that she had a desire to bond with me.  Unfortunately, there were many nights she'd ask to be tickled, or 'tittled' when she was a wee toddler, and I would make up some excuse to not do it because I was ready to BE DONE for the day.  

But on those nights that I would let go of my impatience and self-absorption, I w…

Keep on Rockin' in the Free World

Feeling much gratitude today.

And I'm not saying that because I feel like I should or because that's what all my FB friends are posting today.

I really feel gratitude.  It's overwhelming.

I am grateful to have choices.  I am grateful to live in a country where taking things for granted is even a concept.  My mind cannot wrap itself around the horrors and oppression that still exist on Planet Earth.

I am grateful to live in a country where I am allowed to get a divorce.  I'm grateful to live in a place where I am allowed to work.  I am allowed to dress how I like.  I am allowed to make love to my boyfriend.

Funny thing about gratitude- it makes you miss things.

I miss my mom today.  So much.

I miss my sister, who is like an army of women packed into one person.  

I miss the South, the home of my childhood.

I miss Jeremy's warmth radiating next to me.

I miss Emma.

Bittersweet day today.  Mostly, sweet.

My wish for today is that everyone treats it like a ho…

I Can't Help It, You Guys. It's Just the Way I Am.

Who knew I'd be pretty dang good at retail?

I've been working part time at World Market now for about a month.

It's been interesting...

For starters, the registers have to be from 1992.

The phones are nonsensical- put a call on hold and you have to remember if it's holding on line 55, 56, 57, or 52.  Want a manager to call your phone when at the register?  The phone at register 1 is called 321, register 2 is 322, etc.

Need to use the PA system for assistance at the register? A 'Service 10' call means 'I need a manager,' a 'Service 20' call means 'I need someone to open another register because my line is really long,' a 'Service 40' call means 'Someone has a question about a product.'

To clock in, one has to push 'shift start', and then 4 more buttons before you can swipe your time card.

This is a lot to remember.

I like walking the floor and talking to customers.  No buttons to push (not literal ones anyway). …

Holy Crap, You Guys! This is My Boyfriend!!!

The Mormon Church is Not a Chunk of Clay For You To Mold. You Want It To Be, but No, No

I grew up in the Mormon church.

From a teeny tiny tot.

But that happened in Louisiana, Texas, Tennessee and Oklahoma.  Mormons are RARE in these places.  So I was faced with a choice:  embrace it and wear it like a letterman's jacket OR feel like an oddball and be weird about it.

I chose the former.

For me, that was not hard to do.  There are a lot of reasons for this, but the point I'm making is... I was never ashamed about being Mormon.  Even in THE SOUTH.  Even in Dixie, y'all!

This attitude I took in my approach to my religion gave me a sense of identity that I sorely needed.  When I was at church, I knew who I was- absolutely- but it went beyond that.  I was extremely comfortable in my Mormon skin everywhere I went.  I gave my black, Baptist Louisiana elementary school teachers Books of Mormon for heaven's sake.

This was my experience until BYU and not just because of the lack of black Baptist teachers.

It wasn't just that Mormonism- what I'd always v…