Thursday, July 19, 2012

Telling Ada Her Dad is Gay

First, I want to say something to this person: 




Thank you.  I cried.  Good tears.  I am also in awe.  And I especially loved the Qui-Gon Jinn sticker.


Since I posted about Ada a few days ago, I've been recalling so many things about her that I haven't in a while.  Like telling her Matt is gay. 



We told her and Timothy separate from the older girls, because we figured we'd have to speak in a different language for their age. 

One night about a year ago, I was praying with Ada- she NEVER forgets to say her prayers- and afterward she said to me, "Why don't you and dad just get married again?  Everyone wants you to."

Matt was out of town, so I texted him, "It's time to tell Ada.  She continues to ask why we aren't getting married again.  I will just tell her myself."  He consented. 

So the next day, she got home from Kindergarten and after we had lunch, I asked her if she wanted to go up to my room and cuddle and talk about her day.

While we were up there, she asked if we could watch Modern Family.  BINGO!

"Sure, we can watch Modern Family!  I just wanna tell you something first, K?"

"Okay, what is it?"

"Would you like to know why dad and I got divorced?"

A brief moment of realization came over her face, Oh, yeah!  I've been dying to know this!  But then there was some caution in her response, "Yeeaaahh..."

"Okay, you remember the other day when we talked about what it means when someone is gay?" 

"Yes."

"Well, your dad is gay.  Like your Aunt Chrissy." 

Her face went red.  Her head kinda squished awkwardly into the pillow she was lying on.  She was looking at the ceiling. 

I was quiet. 

"Your dad likes boys and wants to kiss them.  Not girls."

More quiet.

Finally, I asked, "What do you think about that?"

Silence. 

"Does it make you feel a little weird?"

"Uh huh."

"That's okay."

She is still looking at ceiling.

"Ada, it's okay for you to feel anything.  Whatever you feel about this right now or tomorrow or next year, it's okay."

"Okay."

"We were unhappy in a lot of ways when we were married because of this.  I want you to know that I am happy for your dad that he is looking for a man to love now.  But just because I'm happy about it, doesn't mean you have to be."

"Okay.  Can I tell Hana and Emma and Timothy?"

"They already know."

Her eyes bulged.  "They do?!"

"Yes, and if you want to talk to them about it, that is just fine.  It might help you to feel a little less weird if you talk to them about it.  Or you can talk to me or dad about it.  Anytime.  Or Aly or Josh (much older cousins)"

"Do they know?"

"Yes."

The look on her face of processing all this information that had just been dumped on her was quite amazing. 

"Do you have any more questions, Ada?"

"Yeah.  So, when you were married, he didn't like boys, but now he does?"

"No, he always did.  But he tried so hard staying married to me, because he wanted a family.  And he loves you very much." 

More ceiling watching. 

"Anymore questions?"

She got really nervous and asked, "Are you gay if you love your mom?"

It took me a second to realize what she meant.  "Oh, you mean, because you love me?"

"Yeah."

"No, sweetie.  There are different kinds of love."  I then went on to explain.  I told her about my best friend in the universe that I will call Lovey.  I said, "I love her so much that I want to explode sometimes!"

"But you don't wanna kiss her," Ada added. 

"Right," eventhough I would totally make-out with Lovey if we were both single and lonely. 

Then she asked, "Can we watch Modern Family now?"

"Yes," I replied with the hunch that 5 seconds into the show, she'd have more questions. 

Lo and behold, the opening scene was Mitch and Cam.  They had uttered maybe 3 lines when she asked me to pause it. 

"How do Mitch and Cam have a kid if they are not married?"  We had talked a couple weeks earlier about gay marriage issues.  When I told her that her Aunt Chrissy couldn't marry the girl that she loved, Ada replied, "That's so sad."

***

That night, when I was making dinner and the kids were milling about, I saw Ada sit next to Timothy who was watching TV. 

"Um, Timothy, can I ask you something?"

"What?" he was already annoyed. 

"Um, soooo....do you wanna talk about...how...dad is, you know...gay?"

"No!  I dont' wanna talk about that!  Why do we always have to talk about that?!"

I'm thinking, Oh, wow.  Crap.

Ada's feelings were hurt.  I could tell by the look on her face. 

Hana wasn't home, so I said, "Um, Ada, why don't you ask Emma to talk with you about it?"  Emma was just off the kitchen on the computer. 

"She already tried," Emma yelled from the computer.

"And you wouldn't talk to her about it?!"

"Nah," Emma replied. 

"Thanks a lot, Emma!!" 

Well, Ada had lunch the next day with her cousin, Aly, and they had a great talk.  Ada knows that talking is healthy and needed.  I wish I knew that at 7.  I didn't even know that at 21.  


4 comments:

  1. This is great. I love reading your experiences. I've only come out to my teens and still have my younger ones to go. I hope it goes as smoothly.

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  2. If you haven't introduced them to Modern Family, I'd say go ahead and do that first. :)

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  3. I don't want kids, but um, if I did, I would hope I got some sort of clone like Ada. She sounds awesome. :)

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  4. Love this post. Keep em comin!

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