When I Feel Like My Lungs Won't Inflate, Is That Bad?

So much going on right now, bitches-

I am hauling crap into a storage unit a little everyday. 

I have to keep my town home clean for showings.  Hahahahahahahaha

Squeezing in private time with Jeremy after kids have gone to bed, cause I'm, like, moving away from him.

Making dates to see friends and say goodbye to them.

Jeremy and I spent all of yesterday trying to make Pioneer Day (Utah holiday) special for the kids with pizza, fireworks, parade, park. 

Applying for jobs in California online as much as possible, meaning as much as time allows. 

In the process of applying for state aid in California- Hello, California!  I'm yet another single mom, and I've decided to come to your state!  Give me money! 

And I'm 'accomplishing' all of this while working my 2 jobs and taking care of my kids' basic needs, like, feeding them ramen and picking them up from the police station when they've been taken in for roaming the streets of Cedar naked. 

Thank goodness for Zoloft.  Thank goodness for Landshark.  Thank goodness for Boy George. 

So whilst going all chicken ala head cut off, I managed to write an 'article', for lack of a better word, about the difference between having sex with a gay man and having sex with a straighty.  Of course, this is based soley on my experience.  I really don't think this piece is for my blog.  But it's so awesome, that I'm trying to find a home for it.  A safe, comfy home with a warm fire and a glass of wine...perhaps some Carpenters playing. 

I won't post it on my blog, because while making people a little uncomfortable is good and healthy for all involved, with my thin skin, I can't figure out how to not be sad when someone has unfriended me on Facebook, undoubtedly, because of my blog. 

See, Jeremy has an application that tells him if he has any unfriendings whenever he signs into FB and who they are.  I don't know why anyone would want to know that, first of all.  But a couple days ago, when he opened up FB, I must have still been logged in.  He texted me, "You have been unfriended by So&So, Jane Doe, Missy Miss, and This Lady." (in case you're nervous that I've disrespected someone's privacy, those names aren't their real names, I promise)  Then he follows that with, "Good job, sweetie." 

My feelings were hurty!  Why ya gotta unfriend me on the FB??  How 'bout JUST DON'T READ MY BLOG!

Then there's the acquaintance here in town who commented on FB, when I'd linked a post, "I'm done.  Good luck Ashley."

You know, this is a small town- we're going to run into each other in the grocery store!  Why'd ya have to go and make it all complicated for me?  I just wanna go into the grocery store and enjoy buying my groceries!  Not be on the look out for you, because I would hate to look up after checking the carton of eggs for cracked shells and there you are!  And then what?!  Are you gonna hit me?  Cry?  Scream at me? 

All I can think of, in regards to So&So, Jane Doe, Missy Miss, and This Lady, is that one or more of my posts triggered something in you that you aren't ready to look at.  If that's the case, I understand.  Bless your heart.  I was in a similar boat once upon a lifetime.  Do what you need to do for now, but when you're ready to look at those tough things and make peace with them, one way or another, we can be friends again if you wanna. 

For now, I'll still smile at you if I see you.  You probably won't smile back, and that will make me sad. 


  1. I'm going through the same thing. As far s facebook unfriendings and the newfound fear of the grocery store. Hang in there. Never be afraid to say what's on your mind. If you are out there being open and honest with yourself, the problem is theirs and not yours!

  2. It's tough when your blog is attached to your FB page. When I moved mine to my FB, I had to dial things back quite a bit, then I realized I was running out of blog material. Sometimes you can't please everyone.

    Sorry you are going through such a crazy time. I want to read that sex post though.

  3. That bugs about the unfriending. So sorry. I have been unfriended and vowed to NEVER do that to anyone 'cause it hurts!

    Real friends want you to say your piece! and don't have to agree about everything.

    Take care Ashley!

  4. Thanks, y'all! Summer, I really am trying to get the sex piece 'out there'!

  5. Btw, I just changed from my white bra to my black bra. Feeling a little bit better.

  6. So, I randomly stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago- and I absolutely love it. I think you're incredibly honest, and giving a voice to all sorts of people who aren't quite ready to speak up for themselves. Remember, you're also gaining new friends along the way. To paraphrase the omniscient RuPaul, "What other people think of you is none of your business."
    Keep it up!

  7. Please don't be sad if someone "unfriends" you on FB. It's a reflection on THEM not you! Obviously, they don't deserve to be your friend! I mean it!!

  8. Straight survivor of MORJuly 25, 2012 at 6:22 PM

    We are your new BFFs!

  9. Straight survivor of MORJuly 25, 2012 at 6:25 PM

    I love my computer because my friends live in it.

  10. To So&So, Jane Doe, Missy Miss, This Lady and Ms. I'm Done--from me to you--as my departed grandmother would have said:

    Fuck you and the horses you rode in on.

    Well, she wouldn't have said fuck, but, she'd have laughed that I do say it with glee.

    Asses. Judgmental asses.

  11. Same as Mark (above), I stumbled upon your blog a few weeks ago... and I LOVE IT! It's in one of my hafta's for reading everyday. You make me smile, laugh and feel better about life. Don't EVER change!

    One thing I realized a long time ago is that oft times when people run from us or cut us off it's usually out of fear on their part. They don't understand what we're doing or trying to say and if it's something they're unsure about, sometimes the easiest way for them is 'avoidance'... to get as far away from it as they can. This seems to happen quite often to those that are members of THAT church... you know the one, 'The Church of Utah' (hehe!).

    Think of it as you being the lucky one... for you have an even greater understanding of life, of humankind, of compassion and openness.


  12. Dearest Ashley, I love that you can say what you want to say. I hope you know that your real friends would never abandon you for anything. I love watching your journey and I hope that you know that if you ever need help or someone to listen along the way you have a long list of people ready to jump in.

    Never mind the so-and-so's. They don't really matter in the end.

  13. Ashley,

    Your blog makes me think. I really enjoy reading it for that reason. Sometimes I agree with you, sometimes I disagree, but it always makes me examine my own position. I appreciate that.

    First of all that is the worst Facebook app ever. One of my favorite books is the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. He talks a lot about not taking things personally, and that we really never know the reasons that people do the things they do. Maybe they were just cleaning up their Facebook friends and don't know you that well. Maybe they were offended by your blog. Maybe they are uncomfortable with your message. Maybe they deleted everyone except their mom. You just never know so it isn't worth speculating, because speculation only makes us feel bad, and is rarely accurate. Read the book...I think you will like it.

    Second, is it ever okay to distance yourself from a message that you don't agree with, or that doesn't serve you?

    I think it is. I don't think it is necessarily closed minded. I think we are all awash in a world of ideas. We tend to immerse ourselves in the ideas that serve us, that give us peace, whether "right" or "wrong."

    I would say that you walking out of church when you are offended by the message, is not so different from someone who chooses to stop reading your blog or stop seeing your Facebook updates. You have decided that the message of the church does not serve you, it does not take you where you want to go. It doesn't mean that you or they cannot handle the truth...it just means that you perceive truth differently, and are moving in different directions.

  14. I specifically seek out people who I have deleted or have deleted me from FB at the store just to have that awkward moment. It can be quite pleasurable. ;O)

  15. Julie, I certainly did not intend to insinuate some of the things you mentioned. And I am not saying those gals are wrong. Just acknowledging the effects my blog has had. Talking about it helps me to reconcile it. And maybe 4 unfriendings by women who are all LDS in a matter of a couple of weeks is coincidental... The idea that it wasn't gave me something to post about and put a humorous spin on a sensitive thing, which is cathartic for me. And since I didn't name any names, why not?

  16. Where are my manners?? I totally forgot to say, "Bless your hearts."

    So, Bless your hearts.


  17. On the bright side you are moving to a new life that will not revolve around persons of the LDS. You are now going to life openly and honestly. Nothing wrong with THAT :)

  18. (1) Email your article to those of us who would read it without taking offense,
    (2) Give us permission to forward it, and
    (3) Whammo! It's out there!

    Keep writing.


  19. You don't know me at all, I only know you from your blog. But I would totally be your friend! While i've never gone through exactly what you are going through, some of your dealings with the "church" are so similar to my experiences. So I say I feel your pain! And life on the other side of the church is soo much richer for me. While I do miss some of the gospel that was taught, I don't miss the people at all. And just when I feel like maybe I do, they butt rudely into my life and remind me that I really don't.

  20. I know! I saw that one comment on fb and thought, 1. Why doesn't she just not read her blog? And 2. Oh, I'd better go see what Ashley wrote about because it must have been juicy!

    Good luck with your move!

  21. Lillian CastilloJuly 31, 2012 at 9:39 PM

    Hey Lady!!! Just wanted to let you know that I'm way the hell in Chicago reading your blog every chance I get. I would never unfriend you even if you said something I thought was 100% wrong. That's your truth, that's your life and I am privileged to get a little peek into it. Hope you are doing great and good luck on the move you amazing woman you!


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