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Showing posts from January, 2013


So I haven't talked to my dad in about 3 1/2 years now.

I could tell you some fascinating stories about why this is. Stories that teeter on the point of entertainment.

The point for today is:

I was informed by my mother that my father will be having quadruple bypass heart surgery tomorrow.


What am I supposed to do with THAT?

I don't need anyone to tell me that now is the time to make peace with my dad. My choice is/was not an issue of forgiveness nor is it a form of punishment I'm inflicting upon my dad.

My parents, I think, feel differently.

All that aside, this certainly makes me think. Think thoughts that I don't have time for. I don't have the emotional energy for these thinks.

It just makes me wanna sleep. In a cave. That's dark. With bottles of wine.

My dad.

Why I Need A TV

I don't watch TV much at all ever.

Except for the following:

Game of Thrones
The Walking Dead
New Girl

Anywho, there's no TV set up here yet. Not even DVD watching capability. So what are Timothy and Ada doing? Throwing pencils and erasers into the pool from our balcony.

Now, I'm sure if my children didn't suffer from a 'lack of parenting', they wouldn't need to do that... Or watch TV even!

I love cuddling with my kids.

I love having deep conversations with them.

I love playing with their toes.

I love making them laugh.

I've never been good at the other stuff, like, 'Let's all gather 'round the family dinner table and sculpt the faces of all the presidents out of clay!'

I tried to get a game of Memory going this morning. And that quickly morphed into the afore mentioned 'what can we projectile into the pool of our new complex that has as many rules and doctrines and signs and symbols as Mormonism?' activity.

I mean…


I went without my Zoloft for about a week.  I was waiting for it to come in the mail from Cedar City.

Thing with this stuff is, you can't just stop taking it.  People have killed themselves and stuff.

And when you DO just stop, cold turkey, it only gets worse before it starts getting better.  If you haven't offed yourself already, that is.

Been yelling at the kids a lot.  For little things.  I know I am absolutely ridiculous as the high pitch/high volume crap leaves my mouth.  I CAN'T HELP IT.  CAN'T.  This is one of the reasons Zoloft sucks.  Or just ceasing to take it, anyway.  It's like, your chemical/mental/even-keelness train is deeeerailed.  The track disappears. Suddenly.

It's brutal.  It's cruel.

The first thing I notice are what I call 'shocks'.  It's like an electric pulse randomly shoots through my entire body.  Those get worse and worse.

Then there are headaches.

Then there's crying at the drop of a hat... or purse... or k…

Winter, Spring, Summer, or 'I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!'

Oh, y'all.  Just crazy, I'm telling you.

I took a trip to Cedar City last week to grab some essentials from my storage unit (going back hopefully next week to get the rest).  It was a kamikaze 2 day sitch.

I got to see Emma and take her and her friends to get ice cream.

I got to see Awesome and have some vittles at our favorite spot in town, Don Miguel's.

I got to see Mr. and Mrs. Hilarious and have coffee at The Grind.

I ran into other dear, dear friends.

After being in town for a few hours, I was overwhelmed by unexpected feelings.  And I cried.  At The Grind.

The feelings.  Shit.

Emotions were lingering there.  Like someone had a huge ink stamp and just started stamping Emotion Names all over the place, like:




Primary President (yes, that is an emotion name)


Kids, small

Kids, babies

Kids, hate me

Kids, love me

Friends, ghosts

Friends, really family now

Olde Depression

Family, dissolved

Fake Smiles That Become Real and Visa Versa


From This Day Hence, I Shall Have a Door.

I feel ~finally~ a breath of new life in my very soul of souls down to the deepest core of the farthest corner of my innermost soul chasm...

(and then make a left and proceed into the corridor of my most secret soul place)

Today, I move into my own apartment.

After looking and looking and looking (since August) and seeing that 99.914789% of apartments, homes, trailers, and cardboard boxes for rent around here don't come with a fridge and charge at least $850/mo for something D-E-C-E-N-T, I settled on a delightful condo WITH A FRIDGE...


its own personal WASHER AND DRYER inside of the condo itself...

pools, hot tubs, playgrounds...

criminal screenings of residents...

Well, I'm not really gonna tell you how much rent I'll be paying.

Do I make enough money to live here?  Hahahaha!  Absolutely not, y'all!  

I will now go take a nice morning nap so that I am adequately refreshed to begin the task at hand. guys?



2012 is Over; I'd Give You Everything I Got For a Little Peace of Mind.

Two Thousand Ten
I was separated/divorced for most of 2010.  I was like a bird out of a cage.  No... I was like a bird trying to fly for the first time.  Testing my wings.  Crashing and experimenting and hurting and getting stronger.

I'd had all my romantic hopes pinned on a fairy tale I'd created over only a couple of decades with The Boy which, after slowly accepting there was no reality in the situation, reduced me to a blob of woe.

I solidified close relationships with 2 amazing, beautiful, saintly female friends (Awesome & Southern Sister) in Cedar City who I would give my life for and not just because they SAVED me.  They truly did.  With their time and ears and vehement head-nodding and laughter and food and beverages.

I experienced 2 brand new types of pain~ 1) losing Matt as my constant companion and 2) that first weekend when the kids went to 'live' at Matt's place per our 4 days with me/3 days with Matt weekly arrangement.  My house that night was …