My Virgin Mouth

DISCLAIMER:  My devout Mormon mother always taught me that Heavenly Father (what Mormons call God) has a sense of humor.  Which is why it's okay to laugh at things like this.  Enjoy.

I joke that coffee is the Mormon gateway drug.  But it's probably really Mountain Dew, if you wanna get nitty gritty, and I know you do.  *Sidenote:  Did you know that caffeinated drinks are not sold anywhere on the BYU campus?  (If that has changed, feel free to correct me)

The first time I had coffee it was at a hotel.  Matt and I were still very active in the LDS (Mormon) church.  I'm pretty sure it was my angry period during 2008.  Matt and I were out of town, and I woke up one morning in the hotel room before he did, which was the case 99% of the time regardless of where we were sleeping. 

Those who know me even a little bit know that as soon as I wake up I must EAT.  And when I'm in a hotel with free breakfast, as soon as my eyelids crack I must get. to. the. food. 

I'd had it in my head the day before, when we checked in, that I was gonna try some coffee, yes, people, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY 33 YEARS. 

So that morning, I walked into the hotel breakfast area, and I was alone.  Whew.  I already knew from my Postum and Pero habits that I would want it sweet and creamy.  So after pouring myself a cup and adding lots and lots and lots and lots of sugar, I grabbed one of those pint-sized milks from the tiny fridge and put some in the coffee.  I stirred it up- my heart was beating fast- and tried to act normal.  Good morning, everyone in this hotel, all of which are still asleep but me and the front desk rep.  Just so you know, I've stirred coffee, like, so many times before (in my uncanny Katherine Hepburn accent-in-my-head). 

And there I was.  With a sugared, milked, stirred cup of coffee before me.  Was this really me?  Did I really do this?  Did I just make this cup of coffee for myself? 

I should just pour it out and throw the cup away.  But, no.  I am going to do this, damnit!  Cause I'm mad!  I'm mad about Prop 8!  Yeah!  Damn you, Prop 8!  I'll show you!  I'm gonna at least have one taste of this coffee!  And you'll see once and for all that gays should just get effing married to each other!!!  (All the while, I am slowly bringing the cup up to my lips)  And, you Mormons, too!  I'll show you, as well!  I'm drinking coffee!  And I'm Mormon!  LET THE GAYS GET MARRIED!!!!!!  AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! 

And my lips are on the rim of the paper cup.  The coffee is entering my mouth.  The coffee is on my tongue.  My hand is shaking.  I am tasting the coffee! 

...Something is...wrong.  So wrong.  Why does this taste like puked-up baby formula?!  I look at pint of milk. 

It is expired. 


Okay, Heavenly Father.  I get it.  You are either trying to protect me from hurting myself because I am so blinded by my anger that I cannot make good judgements right now, or you are playing a joke on me...and, yeah, it actually is pretty funny.  LOL, Heavenly Father.

All the same, Matt must never know!!

I told Matt.  Like a kid who is proud of sneaking an extra cookie and can't hold it in.  Whatever he felt about it, he didn't show me.  "Oh?  And how was it?"

Damnit, why'd he have to ask me that?


  1. HAHAHA!!! Even without expired milk, hotel coffee is barely coffee. Please say you've had GOOD coffee!

    And about your mom saying god has a sense of humor? That is probably one of the best teachings to pass onto a kid. I've known plenty of god-fearing mormons who think He's up there frowning angrily while raising a hatchet into striking position...ready to deal you a blow if you so much as think about that caffeine. They say you model your version of god after your father in which case my god is gay, an amazing listener and really nice- like that feeling you get as a kid imagining Santa- that's how my god who may or may not exist feels to me.


  2. My first coffee was accidental: I ordered a big fat cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and received a big fat cup of coffee with whipped cream. It was pretty gross. Then Ben Crunk introduced me to coffee late one night/early one morning at CK's. It tasted like sugar smacks.

    1. Ben Crunk!!! OMG! Whatever happened to that crazy??

  3. I don't get the no coffee thing. Health reasons? Yet I read a few Mormon Mom blogs and they celebrate everything with root beer, sodas and hot chocolate. How can these be considered healthier?

    Confused in BC Canada.


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