Friday, July 6, 2012

Maybe This is Why No One in Cedar Took Me Up on My FB Plea to Go Out Tonight

Remember when I said this back on June 13th: 
"I'm not really crazy about blogs. I read a blog post maybe once every 6 months. It's just the way I am.

Today I use this blog as a tool. And this may be the only post,"  ?

Remember that?

So, turns out, I'm doing this blog. 

I'm committed. 

I love sharing.  I always have.  But I had been searching out in my mind and heart the best way to share my experience for a couple of years.  And then something happened back on June 12th...

(SCENE BLURS TO A FLASHBACK)



THE DAY before my first post went live, I was getting so bent out of shape because of a message that was infiltrating the ether.  I felt with every miniscule part of me that this message, which I will not name on here, was leading minds and hearts in the opposite direction we, as humans, need to be going. 

I called Jeremy after work that day and asked him to meet me.  "Of course, sweetie,"  he replied. 

He met me and I vomited all my feelings out about the crazy-ether-message thing.  He knew at the time that I'd desperately wanted to tell my story, my thoughts, my experience-shaped-beliefs.  And when there was a lull in my spewing, he leaned in a bit, dropped his chin so our eyes were level, and said something he'd already said a few times in months past, "Ash, you need to start a blog."  And for the first time, it finally rang true.  Yes.  Yes, that is what I need to do.  I knew that.  Yeah.

And I went home and wrote my heart out. 

I genuinely tried so hard to be mormon-mother-in-zion-temple-straight-wife.  But truth is I lived in a state of bullshit for too long.  I could feel what some were thinking when I was in my mo-mo marriage.  But I didn't need any help to feel like a joke. 

I feel so authentic now.  I can breathe.  It's like a drug.  And I want everyone to see how motherfrikyan real I am.  I want to be true and me and naked and out there and everything!  That's right, I said naked, bitches!

*If you hear a voice in your head saying, "shit" following a groan proceeded by a heavy sigh juxtaposed with an immediate migraine, that would be my ex-husband. 

5 comments:

  1. You go, girl! Feel bad that I read every day without posting. THANKYOU! Someone needs to host this blog. I'm a MOR survivor as well. So much happier now I am out if it.

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  2. Ashley, thanks. I need to share my story too, I need to get it out. I've tried. I'm still waiting for the right catalyst. Love you muchly for doing this. Reading others stories helps take a little piece away from me.

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  3. Thanks, all! And 2nd anon commenter: yes, wait for the right catalyst. you'll know it at the right time!

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  4. For the record, I never NEVER thought you were "a joke." Even all those times you alluded to what was happening...and we knew...made your journey of heroic proportion to me as you moved through it.

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