Skip to main content

Maybe This is Why No One in Cedar Took Me Up on My FB Plea to Go Out Tonight

Remember when I said this back on June 13th: 
"I'm not really crazy about blogs. I read a blog post maybe once every 6 months. It's just the way I am.

Today I use this blog as a tool. And this may be the only post,"  ?

Remember that?

So, turns out, I'm doing this blog. 

I'm committed. 

I love sharing.  I always have.  But I had been searching out in my mind and heart the best way to share my experience for a couple of years.  And then something happened back on June 12th...

(SCENE BLURS TO A FLASHBACK)



THE DAY before my first post went live, I was getting so bent out of shape because of a message that was infiltrating the ether.  I felt with every miniscule part of me that this message, which I will not name on here, was leading minds and hearts in the opposite direction we, as humans, need to be going. 

I called Jeremy after work that day and asked him to meet me.  "Of course, sweetie,"  he replied. 

He met me and I vomited all my feelings out about the crazy-ether-message thing.  He knew at the time that I'd desperately wanted to tell my story, my thoughts, my experience-shaped-beliefs.  And when there was a lull in my spewing, he leaned in a bit, dropped his chin so our eyes were level, and said something he'd already said a few times in months past, "Ash, you need to start a blog."  And for the first time, it finally rang true.  Yes.  Yes, that is what I need to do.  I knew that.  Yeah.

And I went home and wrote my heart out. 

I genuinely tried so hard to be mormon-mother-in-zion-temple-straight-wife.  But truth is I lived in a state of bullshit for too long.  I could feel what some were thinking when I was in my mo-mo marriage.  But I didn't need any help to feel like a joke. 

I feel so authentic now.  I can breathe.  It's like a drug.  And I want everyone to see how motherfrikyan real I am.  I want to be true and me and naked and out there and everything!  That's right, I said naked, bitches!

*If you hear a voice in your head saying, "shit" following a groan proceeded by a heavy sigh juxtaposed with an immediate migraine, that would be my ex-husband. 

Comments

  1. You go, girl! Feel bad that I read every day without posting. THANKYOU! Someone needs to host this blog. I'm a MOR survivor as well. So much happier now I am out if it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ashley, thanks. I need to share my story too, I need to get it out. I've tried. I'm still waiting for the right catalyst. Love you muchly for doing this. Reading others stories helps take a little piece away from me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, all! And 2nd anon commenter: yes, wait for the right catalyst. you'll know it at the right time!

    ReplyDelete
  4. For the record, I never NEVER thought you were "a joke." Even all those times you alluded to what was happening...and we knew...made your journey of heroic proportion to me as you moved through it.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Counterfeit Experience of the Straight Spouse

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is/was marginalized.

Don't get me wrong! I'm the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically.  I'm the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, "Sweetheart, come on.  Stop doing this to yourself.  It's 2017 and despondency or depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS." 

But there's also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like Ashley 1.0.  We aren't living authentically either.  And our suffering and scars aren't seeming too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain. 

And if you're just joining this conversation:  No.  It is…

In Which I Feel Compelled to Start a Blog Because of a Club and a Unicorn...

My name is Ashley.  I was Mormon for the first 36 years of my life.

Yep, I was baptized when I was 8.  I went to BYU where I received a Bachelors in Theatre.  I married a returned missionary in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple.  We were full tithe payers.  I fulfilled several callings diligently, including serving as Primary President for 2 years.

About a year after my divorce, I was chatting with my new bishop, who I had known for several years prior to that.  He asked me, "So, Ashley, why did you and Matt get divorced?"

I replied, "Matt is a homosexual."

I just looked him in the eye after I said this and waited a few seconds while he absorbed it.

Then he asked, "Well, was there another problem as well?  Like drinking? Or gambling?"
I looked him in the eye a second time and replied, "Nope.  Just that."

He was genuinely confused.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was in a mixed-orientation marriage- a marriage between someone who is gay and someone who i…

The White Man

Let's leave this ambiguous.

Also, I'm not gonna tell you about experiences that took place with just one white man. For this, I'll make it one lumpy conceptual White Cisgender Heterosexual Conservative Male (cue the music from the 'Beef-It's What's For Dinner!' music).

In the work force, I have to deal with him. I have to play the game of diplomacy without compromising who I am. If it's mental gymnastics, it's the balance beam in heels with someone patting me on the head saying, "Gosh, I just don't know how you do that! I never could do that! But here are some pointers! Hey! Why did you do it like that?? Why aren't you listening?"

...but I just keep doing my thing.

Utah is the type of prime real estate, and certainly not the most prime, where this guy is King. Everything around him is his dominion. He is not a part of a group that is marginalized. For those of you who do not understand what I mean, I'll present you with the ext…