Are You Jealous of Me?

I have felt great about this move to California.  It's best for my kids to be close to their dad, and more than that, for us ALL to be close and be as much a family as possible.  It's great for me because there will be more opportunities out there professionally.  It's also good for my own well-being to have the kids spend time with dad on a regular basis.

Granted, I am going out there without a job or place- we're staying with Matt for now.  I am "jumping off a cliff" as Matt's sister calls it.  But she means it in a good way, because she jumped off that cliff when she left for California herself.  Thing is I feel wonderful about the unknown/adventure/risk.  I truly feel in my heart and soul and gizzard that not only is the move right, but amazing things are in store.   *Sidenote:  Ada keeps pushing me to get a job at Marshall's or Von's, cause I guess those places are rad.

I have had moments, however, when my mind registers ALL that is about to transpire:

-I have to move everything out of this place and into a storage unit.

-I have to budget like Scrooge to make sure I have enough for the 6 1/2 hour drive down there.

-I'm going there (did I mention this?) without a job or a home of my own.

-I am leaving Cedar City, my home of EIGHT years.

-Need to find a temporary home for 2 cats.

-I will be separated from Jeremy.

When my mind registers these things, like when I'm not at work or sleeping work or sleeping, my body shuts down.  There's a synapse somewhere in my head that tells the subconscious, "I think it best for Ashley if we just don't feel."  It's literally like my emotions have had Novocaine.

Then, there was this morning.  I had a great night's sleep and don't have to work until this afternoon.  But:

-I wake up to a negative account balance

-My property management people telling me they will take me to court for July's rent (JUST TAKE IT OUT MY DEPOSIT! "We never ever do that.")

-Ada has a birthday party to attend in which she will have no present to bring.

-My room is such a disgusting mess that it might give me a staff infection


So, today...not feeling wonderful or numb.  I'm having a shitty day.  But, but, but...that will change!  I'm gonna change it.  I'm gonna...take a shower...yeah!  A shower will be awesome!  Hot water!  Pretty smelling soaps and things!  I am then gonna...go to work...okay!  Work is super duper!  People and responsibility and work things happening!  Then I'll go to my 2nd job super duper work things there!  Also...I'm ...really tall!  And I bet I won't get hit by a bus today!  I don't have HIV!  I wasn't alive and Jewish and in Poland during World War II!



  1. LOL, I love your attitude. And being on the cusp of huge change with no plan and no money can be so overwhelming. I'm in the same place. EEK!

  2. Being a good parent is the most important thing. Good move and Cali will teach you great things... Life is a journey worth living.

  3. I love you Ashley!! I'm right there with ya!

  4. I'm crying. It's such an odd thing to cry about. I woke up to a negative account balance too. And I took a shower. And my room is a mess. And I'm at work now. But I don't have kids. So your life is more complicated...'s nice that there are super cool people who understand the boat I'm in. It's a very comforting notion that I might have something in common with a woman as lovely as yourself. Thank you for your honesty.

  5. Loves, Eve. And thanks, everyone else! I need y'all today.


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