Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Zoloft.

I went without my Zoloft for about a week.  I was waiting for it to come in the mail from Cedar City.

Thing with this stuff is, you can't just stop taking it.  People have killed themselves and stuff.

And when you DO just stop, cold turkey, it only gets worse before it starts getting better.  If you haven't offed yourself already, that is.

Been yelling at the kids a lot.  For little things.  I know I am absolutely ridiculous as the high pitch/high volume crap leaves my mouth.  I CAN'T HELP IT.  CAN'T.  This is one of the reasons Zoloft sucks.  Or just ceasing to take it, anyway.  It's like, your chemical/mental/even-keelness train is deeeerailed.  The track disappears. Suddenly.

It's brutal.  It's cruel.

The first thing I notice are what I call 'shocks'.  It's like an electric pulse randomly shoots through my entire body.  Those get worse and worse.

Then there are headaches.

Then there's crying at the drop of a hat... or purse... or keys.

Then, not being able to hold a thought in your head.  You think of something important; 2 seconds later, it's gone.

And for me, there's the yelling at my kids.

So a couple of nights ago, I was in my bed, vegging after a long week of working, rehearsals, and a performance, while Timothy and Ada were watching a movie in the living room.  My place is small enough that I can hear them without effort.

I hear Ada say, "Tim, can you pause that for a sec?"

Then I hear a knock on my bedroom door.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT??!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I reply.

Ada cracks the door and says, "I need to talk to you privately."

Something told me I was in trouble.

"Okay," I say.

She comes toward my bed, lies next me with her head in my armpit, and regardless of my mental state, I couldn't deny how amazing that felt.

She begins, "So, mom?"

"Yes?"

"You know how most of the time, after you've yelled at us, you apologize?"

"..."

"Mom?"

"Yes. Yes, Ada, I know."

"Well, you haven't been apologizing to us lately."

"..."

"Mom?"

"I know."

"How come?"

"(heeavvvyyyyy sigh)...Ada..."

"Yes?"

"I just... I have felt really really stupid lately about it.  Because of that, it's been harder to apologize."

"Oh, I see."

"..."

"Sooo, do you wanna say 'sorry'?"

"I'm sorry, Ada.  I love you."

"Love you, too!"  and I get a kiss on the mouth before she leaves the room and says to Timothy, "Okay, you can unpause the movie now."



3 comments:

  1. Wow. That is absolutely DEAR. Thanks for sharing it!

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  2. I love her.
    And when I took that dreadful pill for a few months several years ago, I stopped cold turkey too, thinking I would be better than the rest of the idiots who couldn't handle stopping cold turkey. Well, after the shocks and vertigo finally stopped...months later...I swore I would never take that pill, or anything akin to it, EVER AGAIN! And I never have. It was the devil in a little pill.

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  3. I had undergo same crap. First time i did it cold turkey. I gave up because i became "socially unsuitable" ;-)) I started over but no cold turkey just took half pill instead of a full pill during two weeks, after this I droped for good. In case it did not work try one fourth during two weeks.

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