Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Winter, Spring, Summer, or 'I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!'

Oh, y'all.  Just crazy, I'm telling you.

I took a trip to Cedar City last week to grab some essentials from my storage unit (going back hopefully next week to get the rest).  It was a kamikaze 2 day sitch.

I got to see Emma and take her and her friends to get ice cream.

I got to see Awesome and have some vittles at our favorite spot in town, Don Miguel's.

I got to see Mr. and Mrs. Hilarious and have coffee at The Grind.

I ran into other dear, dear friends.

After being in town for a few hours, I was overwhelmed by unexpected feelings.  And I cried.  At The Grind.

The feelings.  Shit.

Emotions were lingering there.  Like someone had a huge ink stamp and just started stamping Emotion Names all over the place, like:

Home

Ouch

Marriage

Primary President (yes, that is an emotion name)

BishopS

Kids, small

Kids, babies

Kids, hate me

Kids, love me

Friends, ghosts

Friends, really family now

Olde Depression

Family, dissolved

Fake Smiles That Become Real and Visa Versa

OhMyGodJeremyLivedHereWithHisWifeOnceUponATimeWhyCan'tIGetOverThatHistoryThatIWasNeverPartOf

As I started to trickle tears out of my eye holes, it all hit me.  All of these things AT ONCE.  AT ONE TIME!  ARE YOU GETTING THIS????

Most of all of these things...

It was 'Home' that struck me.  All the good, bad, ugly, mixed-orientation, in the name of Jesus Christ Amen that struck me.

Oh my god.  I needed friends at that minute.  And I had them.  Thank you God, Universe, Tom Cruise, and FB for the friends that love.  Friends that love and love and love and help you hide the bodies (or ghosts, as it were that day).

Forget the word 'friend'.  Its so much, muchly much, many much more than that. I need a new word...like...my Right Arm or my Left Foot or my Driving Force.

Mother of All!  I will ALWAYS be okay.

Because I have friends.






4 comments:

  1. Ashley, as someone has wisely advise more than once, "just sit with it for a while". I wish I could promise you that your experience of "The Feelings. Shit." will disappear. I can't. I am 15 years post El Grandee Confessionee and there are still those moments, albeit rare, that "The Feelings. Shit." blindside me. I scold myself for not being more-better-stronger-smarter. I remind myself of the very things I offer to others wrangling with the same emotional pilot fish on the ass-side of a shark. (does a shark have an "ass side"...meh).

    What I can promise you is that those "Shit" moments will happen less frequently as time passes. I am awaiting their disappearance, although I don't think that is a realistic expectation because we are who we are. We loved with our whole being, even if there was a not-rightness lurking. We trusted the words. We trusted the intent. We trusted that someone who said all of those things would never, could never do this. For those of us who share children with a (former) spouse, there will always be a connection, regardless of the level of involvement/absenteeism demonstrated until one of us leaves the planet.

    Things happen for a reason. Trite? Perhaps. I continue to believe it.

    You're smart and beautiful and strong and subject to "The Feelings. Shit." You've earned the right. So sit with them a little longer. Write about them for you and for those who appreciate your gift.

    P

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  2. The google affiliate ad is for superhero underwear so I was expecting you to say the new word for friends is great underwear...

    After all, good friends are supportive and make you feel like a superhero under everything :-)

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