2012 is Over; I'd Give You Everything I Got For a Little Peace of Mind.

Two Thousand Ten

I was separated/divorced for most of 2010.  I was like a bird out of a cage.  No... I was like a bird trying to fly for the first time.  Testing my wings.  Crashing and experimenting and hurting and getting stronger.

I'd had all my romantic hopes pinned on a fairy tale I'd created over only a couple of decades with The Boy which, after slowly accepting there was no reality in the situation, reduced me to a blob of woe.

I solidified close relationships with 2 amazing, beautiful, saintly female friends (Awesome & Southern Sister) in Cedar City who I would give my life for and not just because they SAVED me.  They truly did.  With their time and ears and vehement head-nodding and laughter and food and beverages.

I experienced 2 brand new types of pain~ 1) losing Matt as my constant companion and 2) that first weekend when the kids went to 'live' at Matt's place per our 4 days with me/3 days with Matt weekly arrangement.  My house that night was dark and cavernous and the silence was piercing.

I also started teaching Spin.  The catharsis of that was astounding.

Two Thousand Eleven

2011 was year of quiet discovery and falling in love with myself, which behooved me especially because toward the end of that year, I was raising all 4 kids on my own as Matt had moved to California.

The year started out with me losing my home- the first and only home Matt and I purchased as a married couple- to foreclosure. However the dreadfulness of that was quickly turned around as I left behind the memories and emotions in that house to live in a brand new town home with a bedroom that was truly and only mine and a sanctuary.  The euphoria was revitalizing.

I met Jeremy and fell in love.

I started working again.  Well, I don't know what I mean by 'again'.  I had the odd job here and there (usually theatre related) when married but primarily raising the kids.  But this time it was hard core for me.  I started working 14 hours/week at a gym and 24 hrs/wk at the public library.  I loved both jobs so much.  And, I am not ashamed to admit, I dreaded going home.  I had 2 girls in middle school who hated me.  I always had a mess to greet.  I was always always always tired.

Which brings us, ladies and gentlemen, to 2012...

Two Thousand Twelve

Aahhh...

The year started out with me still struggling and juggling- 2 part-time jobs, the kids, desperately needed time with boyfriend, emotional back and forth with church.

I emailed my mom.  "I NEED YOU." She bought a plane ticket the next day to arrive in a couple of weeks time.

A couple of days before she arrived, I went to the hospital because I was desperate.  Plain and simple.  Didn't know where else to go.  Matt drove back to Cedar City the next day and moved the 2 middle-school girls to California with him.

My mom arrived and while I worked and slept and spent time with Jeremy when he was home from his Shakespeare tour, she took care of my 2 younger children, cleaned and organized every inch of my town home, and made friends with my 3 cats.

I loved that time with my mom (Well, of course, you did!), and not just because of all the help, but because there was love in the house again. Mom stayed for 2 weeks.

Next, my sister arrived.  She took care of business like my mom did.  We stayed up late nearly every night talking, drinking coffee, and doing Tarot readings.

She stayed for a couple of weeks, too.

My house was in order.  I felt more calm and peace.  On the weekends, me and Timothy and Ada would cuddle on the couch in a clean, dark house and watch movies.  Precious, precious time.

Frankie, the cat I'd had since she was 6 weeks old, had kittens.  A magical experience for me and my kids to be a part of.  Jeremy was there for it, as well.

Now comes the part that was utterly different from the first half of the year.

The Club Unicorn post made the rounds.  Through my extreme frustration of this message and Jeremy's urging, I started this blog.  There were 50,000 views in the first week.  Terrifying.

And amazing.

I became a writer. Still scared.

Then, that same month, Matt called me and said, "When are you coming down here?"

The plan was always to go where Matt went.  For the kids.

Also, I could not pay rent.

So, after expressing to Matt that I had no money, let alone savings, he said, "Just come or you never will."

Now, today, after living with Matt again for 5 months, I am getting ready to move into my own place with Timothy and Ada.  Emma moved back to Cedar City in October.  Hana may need to live with me so I can have her help with the kids while I work.

The effects of a divorce are like ripples in the water.  They keep going and going and going.  No dust has settled.  No water is under the bridge.  Not for us.  Not yet.

And here I am.  A formerly practicing Mormon woman, who dedicated her life to raising 4 children while the husband got 2 Master's Degrees and steady work experience, who is floating spiritually, whose car is falling apart, who has lost 2 homes now, who has been sleeping on her ex-husband's couch for 5 months, who is one child less than she should be.

I continue a long distance relationship (with a gorgeous Italian man in Colorado named Jeremy) with the hope of relocating to be close to him in 6 months.  Because if there are any solid conclusions I've come to as 2012 closed up shop, they are that 1) I need to be cherished and 2) California is not for me.

Here's to manifesting calm, still waters in 2013.  As smooth as glass.  Yea, verily.