Libido

I moved to Salt Lake City 4 years ago.

Like, 2 days ago was the anniversary. 

When I moved here at 39, I'd had sex with 5 men in my whole life.

In chronological order:

1) Gay Husband
2) Dude from High School (you can read about him in my posts about The Boy)
3) My 1st and Only Actual Boyfriend Since Divorce
4) <clears throat> Another Dude, the Details of Which I'm Not Sharing Because, Um, Not Enough Time Has Passed aka It's Incriminating
5) The Director of the Cyber Dept of the FBI (this is real)

In my 4 yrs in SLC, I've done all the things.

I've sown wild oats- instant oats, steel-cut oats, 5-min oats, Irish oats, overnight oats.
I've been with women, even dated one for 9 mo.
I've fallen in love a time or 2 or 3 or 4 as I attract men that have all the components I'm looking for, but because I inherently believe I need to fix someone (see #1 on list above), I keep attracting men that are broken in some way.
I've had incredible sex, and I've had sex that made me nauseous.
I've had threesomes.
I've had my car window bashed in by a jealous woman.

At 43, with more freedom than I've ever had (only 2 kids left at home and both teenagers), and the most confident I've ever been, here's where I am today with my Latin friend, Libido:

Blasé

And it's fantastic.

When my sex drive was driving ME, I was tired, shutting myself off from emotion, and trying to ignore the mélange of energies I was inviting into my life. My brain feels jumbled just recalling that time.

I was hyper focused on my sexuality. I wasn't trying to prove anything; I was like whatsherface in Tangled- after she got out of the tower, she was, like, all over the place.

So due to the way humans are made, my lack of sex drive means no interest in dating either.

This is also fantastic.

A couple of noteworthy reasons- the stress I deal with as a single mom whose baby daddy lives in another state is compounded when I'm checking my phone to see if a dude has texted me back or if i have the incredible distraction of either romantic bliss or hurt feelings. The other reason- I have found out that my life, without the enormous component of dating, is really great. When I'm trying to date, I'm focused on lack- I don't have a date tonight, so I need a date... I don't have a relationship, so I better date... I haven't had sex in a while, so I want a date...

I can see so clearly how I have the house I've always wanted, ability to give my kids more of me, and the time and energy to come to conclusions that I've written here, which turns out is some seriously amazing self-care and inner-work.

I'm done with apps. I'm done with pouncing. I'm done with deciding which men are the most fuckable in the room. I'll meet someone in a much more organic way... when I feel like it... later.







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