The Institution

 I had a customer in my bar today who is getting married this weekend.

He said that he’s been with his fiance for many years, and they’ve lived together for a lot of those years. 

I started asking, “So what’s the difference between what you’ve been doing and getting married?” I say started asking because before I could finish the question, he said, “Nothing.”

I laughed. He laughed. His buddy laughed. His future father-in-law did not laugh- but this bit is neither here nor there… I think. 

Then the groom-to-be said, “Well, taxes. And I’m self-employed and she has good insurance.”

I nodded and said, “Ok, ok. I hear you.” Look, living in America is a joke, so…

Then… THEN… he said, in a more somber, reverent tone, “But seriously, it was time. We were just waiting for the right time. We knew we wanted this. ”

I left it there, nodding and moving on to another task.

What I wanted to say next was What is the **this** you knew you wanted? How is matrimony the next step? Why is that leveling up? Do you know what the fuck you’re fucking doing? How are you going to thrive in this archaic institution of ownership? 

Let’s break this down, for the love of god and science and Billy Porter. 

Marriage hasn’t worked since the beginning of time. What do I mean by worked? I mean happiness and fulfillment. I do not mean staying together. 

You being able to call your partner “spouse” does not equate joy. It equates to you feeling more secure that this person won’t leave you. And y’all, that’s fucked up. 

When someone feels like they can’t leave a situation, that’s plain old being trapped. 

“Hey! That’s a little harsh! <giggle>”

Oh, yeah? Think. THIIIIINNNNNNKKKKKKKK about it. NO ONE dreams of divorce, but EVERYONE dreams of more. So when more is wanted, how does one negotiate that when you are legally bound? And not only are you legally bound, but your desire for more is dependent on the other person, and they just may be hunky dory with the status quo. 

Or they may not want to do the work required for you to receive more. 

Or they also may not be who you want more from, and then you’re screwed, because you’ve either got to go behind your spouse’s back (lie, cheat) or try to convince them to be okay with you having a sexual/romantic experience with another person. 

So let’s say they are ok with you having sex with someone else or just dating even - I could give you a laundry list of couples who’ve opened their marriage thinking it will help the relationship, and they end up splitting anyway. 

Ok, take a deep breath. 

Let’s back up. 

You got yourself into a marriage. You did it cuz society. Cuz safety. Cuz fairy tales. Cuz belonging. And now you don’t want it. You’re like, “Oh.” You’re like, “Shit.” You’re like, “I don’t hate my spouse. I actually still love them very much.” So you stay. You tell yourself you don’t really need more. You trade in your truth for security *and* because you’re terrified of hurting your spouse. 

Great. 

We’re all fucking screwed if we choose security over authenticity or if we allow fear of showing up authentically with the one who’s supposed to love us the very most. 

Alright, I want you all to sit with this next one: 

LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MARRIAGE 

Here’s another one for you after you’ve had some time with that one:

JUST BECAUSE YOUR SPOUSE IS NICE, KIND, OR EVEN SEXY IS NOT A REASON TO STAY IN AN UNFULFILLING RELATIONSHIP

But marriage, the legal binding of your life to another’s, makes us call into question our own desires, needs, wants, dreams… 

-FOR THE SAKE OF AVOIDING DIVORCE

 

-FOR THE SAKE OF NOT WANTING TO HURT THEIR FEELINGS (which is the same thing as saying that you are less important than someone’s feelings and that is a goddamn motherfucking recipe for fucking disaster- It’s 2022, people. Get a therapist or follow ANY therapist on Instagram). 

This just scratches the surface of the issue with traditional, monogamous marriage. 

I am a divorced person. 

I have been divorced for as long as I was married- 13 years. 

My truth about relationships is this: 

If you aren’t ok with you, with being unattached to another person, marriage is not going to remedy that for you. In fact, it will make it louder. Save yourself and your significant other the misery of entrapment and give yourself and them the gift of choice. Choose the relationship everyday. Marriage robs you of that, and eventually will rob you of you.