Skip to main content

The Counterfeit Experience of the Straight Spouse

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is and was marginalized.

Don't get me wrong! I'm the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically.  I'm the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, "Sweetheart, come on.  Stop doing this to yourself.  It's 2017 and depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS." 

But there are also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like... Ashley 1.0.

We aren't living authentically either.

And our suffering and scars don't seem too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain. 

If you're just joining this conversation:  No, it is not just about sex.  And regardless, sex is important... crucial.

But

THE THING

that it's about for us- (straight spouse) and them (gay spouse)- is the Intimacy.

Lemme know if you don't understand the difference between sex and intimacy, and I'll write another post just for you.  I'll even address it to you... "Dear Person Who Maybe Has Never Been Loved~"

Article by General Authority (referenced at top of post):

First off~

The title of the article is

The War Goes On.

Nothing subtle about that.

War.

Goddamn Fucking Serious.

Death.
Blood.
Mourning.
Pain.
Fighting.
Good vs Evil.

You know, war.

Of course, this dude- the General Authority- starts talking about Satan right off the bat, cuz ultimate bad guy, and he's gotta bring up returning to Heavenly Father clean, which Satan makes so difficult! Cuz, ya know, none of us are clean, none of us are sinless, as is pummeled into the heads of members of the church.  So by paragraph 3, dude is slathering on the guilt.

Don't get comfortable yet, 'cause here comes paragraph 4:

"Thankfully, God's plan triumphed over Satan's lies."       !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And in case you forgot, that means Jesus made that one sacrifice dying for our sins, because we're all pieces of shit.

Then dude goes into the ways Satan operates with a few points.

We get just a couple points in, and the gospel of love can go fuck itself.

"Remember, counterfeits are not the same as opposites.The opposite of white is black, but a counterfeit for white might be off-white or gray. Counterfeits bear a resemblance to the real thing in order to deceive unsuspecting people. They are a twisted version of something good, and just like counterfeit money, they are worthless. Let me illustrate. One of Satan’s counterfeits for faith is superstition. His counterfeit for love is lust. He counterfeits the priesthood by introducing priestcraft, and he imitates God’s miracles by means of sorcery.

Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although his imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness. God warned us about counterfeits in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, “That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness” (D&C 50:23)."

We already knew this, right? That this church felt this way...?  Or are you allowing yourself to be duped by happy stories a Mormon parent accepting their LGBTQ kid? 

Okay, so if you haven't buckled yourself in yet, secured any loose items, and put your arms and legs inside the ride, you should now. 

I'm gonna talk about the despair and anguish of the straight spouse... in no uncertain terms, like a big ol' gay dick smacking you across the face. 

Gay men and women, who marry the opposite sex for religion, do it because they are scared to death of the above rhetoric being their reality. 

Darkness. 
Grayness.
Imitation.
Being unhappy.
Worthless.
Counterfeit. 

These vulnerable, naΓ―ve homosexuals (no shame, just truth) who adhere to the dogma think that entering into a marriage with opposite sex will save them from these awful things, but in truth, the mixed-orientation marriage creates this exact type of abysmal existence.

The straight spouse is even more unsuspecting that these things would ever be in their purview, as they have crossed all the T's and dotted all the I's, I mean.. hetero orientation... marriage to opposite sex... no problemo...

We have no clue, no way of grasping that our own sexuality will be shoved into a closet. 

Usually, the SS does that of their own accord to...

(ready for this?)

...survive. 

There was no way I could face what I was missing: being wanted, cherished for (in my case) my femineness which encompasses my body, soul, and mind, and the all important intimacy.

Ahem, Intimacy: being caressed, hearing the soft spoken voice of someone who melts at the sight of you, a core connection that is discernible through mere eye contact, a connection that devours your heart, etc., et al., as it were...

Look, I'm not really talking about marriage.  I'm talking about connection and romantic love.  I know that same-orientation marriages and relationships can suck ass and end a lot of the time.  But these same-orientation relationships not only have a probability to feel those indescribably amazing things, but they usually start there. 

So to address the malarkey of the referenced article-

Darkness... Gray... All the time.  Everyday.  And I was living the 'gospel'.  I got up in front of my congregation and bore some phat testimony.  That shit was legit. 

So... tell me- why did I live in gray?

Was my marriage edifying?  My friendship with g'ex was, yes.  But the marriage?  Naw.  Trudging through knee-deep bog with no end in sight is not edifying.  It breaks you. 

The 'lasting happiness' part of the article?  The 'lasting' sentiment would imply that there was a solid ground to begin with. 

The worthless part.  Oh my god.  This one makes my head spin. Hey! You Mormons out there... Hey, y'all realize that this General Authority dude is saying that LOVE is worthless, yeah?  You getting this?  GA's subtext:  LOVE IS WORTHLESS IF NO JESUS AND BIOLOGICAL BABIES.

You know what else couldn't be further from worthless?  Being desired. 

I've had one nighters... (reminder to keep arms and legs inside the ride... also, hi, mom).  I've been more desired by a man that I cannot remember the name of than in my 13 years of marriage with a man that I had children with, moved from state to state and out of the country with.  A former straight spouse I met a few years ago told me the first time she had sex with a straight man, she wept.  But... worthless experience. 

And lastly, let me bring you all around to the best, sweetest, juiciest part of the article- the counterfeit argument:  marriage or love is counterfeit if not within the parameters of the 'gospel'.  If I was giving a Ted Talk, this is where I'd pause, lower my head with furrowed brow, and walk to the other side of the stage pensively before looking back up at you and saying:

My marriage was counterfeit. 

My Mormon, temple union to a man who yearned for an intimate connection with another man was 100% counterfeit. 

Do you have any idea what it's like to live in a counterfeit way? 

If you do, I'm so sorry.  I've been there.  I deteriorated.  Breathing hurt.  Sometimes smiling made me feel nauseous. I was betraying my Self.  I was not an example to anyone of how to live.  My Jesus-approved marriage was toxic to me, my kids, and their dad. 

And I absolutely was suicidal at a point. 

Us heterosexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages play a role of our own.  Our humanity is disparaged, trivialized as we are mere vehicles to the Celestial Kingdom.  And fuck that. 

Mormons, your leaders' hyperbole and your religion's teachings are irresponsible, self-serving, and...

deadly

...wholly, literally, in toto. 




















Comments

  1. OMG! This was simultaneously hilarious and heart-wrenching. Talk about cutting to the very core of the matter. From the complementary side of the same issue (gay spouse) I can't even begin to describe how spot on this is. I've alsways said the church's position does as much or more damage to the unsuspecting straight spouses than the gay ones. As a father of 3 girls I'm horrified that some gay kid out there can't, just CAN'T come out because he's LDS and well for some reason he wants the celestial kingdom like everyone else... and he's going to date and try yo marry my daughter. F$#% THAT! Thank you for writing this. Are you OK if I share on my blog, the full text with link of course?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the great response! We appear to be smack dab on the same page. And share away! ~Ashley

      Delete
    2. A group of us formerly married gay fathers have started a new website at gay-dads.org to provide some much needed resources. There is a lot of help for young gay kids these days but not much for the ones figuring it out or just admitting it later in life. I would LOVE it if you would contribute in any way... something like this blog post but without the heavy Mormon reference because we are not targeting the Mormon population. If you already have a post on here that you'd recommend, I'd be happy to use that. You just personify the opposite side of the same coin and I want that voice on there too. Let me know

      Delete
    3. Here is my story recently on how i got back my lover who brokeup with me, when we were dating i love him so much that i could give my life for him but after some time i found that my lover was now doing some how the way i could not understand,after 2 weeks my lover brokeup with me and it was like the end of the world if some has broke up with you who you love with all your heart you will understand my pain,but when i came in contact with Dr gbojie i told him my problem,he told me that he will make my lover come back to me and he is going to love and cherish me,when he did the spell my lover came back an today he love me and he cherish me,so if you need a help contact him on (gbojiespiritualtemple@gmail.com) call him on this number to talk to him +2347066410185

      Delete
  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow. My father was gay and my mother was ... you. Thank you for putting this out there. It needed to be said, and you spoke truth to power. Never stop.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is heartbreaking. And you know what's infuriating? Clear back in the 1980s Carol Lynn Pearson said that, "enough women have been sacrificed on that alter." And here we are thirty years later, with Mormons still sacrificing those straight spouses. Thanks for putting this out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I really really appreciate your comment. 🌈

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

In Which I Feel Compelled to Start a Blog Because of a Club and a Unicorn...

My name is Ashley.  I was Mormon for the first 36 years of my life.

Yep, I was baptized when I was 8.  I went to BYU where I received a Bachelors in Theatre.  I married a returned missionary in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple.  We were full tithe payers.  I fulfilled several callings diligently, including serving as Primary President for 2 years.

About a year after my divorce, I was chatting with my new bishop, who I had known for several years prior to that.  He asked me, "So, Ashley, why did you and Matt get divorced?"

I replied, "Matt is a homosexual."

I just looked him in the eye after I said this and waited a few seconds while he absorbed it.

Then he asked, "Well, was there another problem as well?  Like drinking? Or gambling?"
I looked him in the eye a second time and replied, "Nope.  Just that."

He was genuinely confused.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was in a mixed-orientation marriage- a marriage between someone who is gay and someone who i…

The White Man

Let's leave this ambiguous.

Also, I'm not gonna tell you about experiences that took place with just one white man. For this, I'll make it one lumpy conceptual White Cisgender Heterosexual Conservative Male (cue the music from the 'Beef-It's What's For Dinner!' music).

In the work force, I have to deal with him. I have to play the game of diplomacy without compromising who I am. If it's mental gymnastics, it's the balance beam in heels with someone patting me on the head saying, "Gosh, I just don't know how you do that! I never could do that! But here are some pointers! Hey! Why did you do it like that?? Why aren't you listening?"

...but I just keep doing my thing.

Utah is the type of prime real estate, and certainly not the most prime, where this guy is King. Everything around him is his dominion. He is not a part of a group that is marginalized. For those of you who do not understand what I mean, I'll present you with the ext…