Hi, My Name is Ashley… And I Am… A Working Mom.

A curse of a parent? Your kids never really know how much you love them.

They don't get it. The won't. They can't.

It's okay. It's the order of the Universe:  Fish swim. Birds fly. Your kids don't know how much you love them.

They don't understand the tears you cry. They don't understand your firm manner with them. They don't understand that rules are really for their protection.

And they don't understand the sacrifices.

-Pricey vacations…vacations, at all, really
-Haircuts (mine)
-Pursuing my great love and passion, Theatre
 and...
-Matt and I staying married as long as we did…as long as we could

I recently started working 40 hrs/wk again- first time since Cedar City when I was working 2 part-time jobs.

I love my job. I do. I'm now an Assistant Manager at World Market, a company I loved as a shopper, and now as an employee on the management team.

After a couple of weeks, however, I came home and had a breakdown. The kids actually didn't see this one.

Matt was over at the apartment, and he said, "...Wanna …talk?"

I managed to eek out, with surprising rigor, "Matt, I'm not raising my kids! (sob, sob, sob, blubber, gasp)"

After a perfectly timed pause, ala Matt Neves because he's a theatrics god, he said, "Ash… you're more available to them now than you were when you were a full-time mom."

I let this register.

Then asked, "Because… now… I don't want to kill myself?" (Remember the whole mixed-orientation marriage thing I did that one time...?)

"Yep."

I couldn't help but laugh, because, y'all, for some reason the truth can really be hilarious.

All the time, my oldest will ask, "When do you work today?"

I'll tell her and, 9 times out of 10, I get an "UGH" in response.

Even my oldest child, who is, ya know, a teenager, wants me home. I'm mom. The only one she's got.

I'd rather be with you, honey. I would. You're my child. I love you in a way that consumes me. My whole body, mind, soul...being. It keeps me up at night. It gets me up in the morning. It's what drove me to upheave from Cedar City and 2 jobs to come to California to make my best attempt at making us the most cohesive family we can possibly be in this 'less-than' situation.  

But I HAVE to work. To feed you. To protect you from the elements. Don't you see? First and foremost, I have to keep you alive.  

Ada makes pouty faces. Emma doesn't seem to care. Timothy, in true Timmy fashion, has become more and more affectionate, reaching out for tangible, palpable love, to reassure him.

And the oldest, Hana, her "UGH's" are only part of her reaction to mom being a breadwinner all of the sudden. She's become my friend.

Interesting, isn't it?

My gift in this:

Embracing the moments. Moments are incredible gifts. I try to make them about peace and wisdom and laughter.

Listening.

Patience.

Just being in the same room.

But… it probably wouldn't hurt to go back on Zoloft.