Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Summer 2013 (What the Hell is Going On with Ashley)

I applied to a graduate program at an extremely reputable school called Loma Linda University about 5 minutes down the street from me.  I applied.  I interviewed.  I got in.  But I'm not going.  It's just too damn expensive- yes, even with a $20,000 student loan award.  Looking into other options for fall of 2014.




Jeremy and I are no longer together.  Sad face.  There was just too much time and distance apart.  I really needed him and him, specifically, during a very crucial part of my journey and discovery.  I will be grateful always for him.

Emma is home.  She is home.  Home!  Hooooommmme!  No more waking up at 3am with my-13-year-old-daughter-lives-in-another-state panics and tears.  I'm so happy.  Matt and I picked her up in Vegas a couple weeks ago, and Matt was the happiest, most silly, go-lucky I'd seen him in... too long.



My sister is still living with us, as are her daughters for the summer.



I'm still feeling somewhat lost in my corner of California.



Reasons that may be:

Possible Reason #1)  I really don't belong here.  This is for my kids, and Ashley's Mecca will have to wait- perhaps it's even being perfected for me during this flux.

Possible Reason #2)  The weather.  This IS the Inland Empire.  It IS a desert.  Even if Redlands is more or less the Atlantis of this 3rd World Country known as the I.E.

Possible Reason #3)  I'm a bad person.

Matt and I struggled a lot in this last year.  In our relationship.  I think I envision this Will & Grace kind of idea for us.  That is certainly not always or often the case.  I still love him in a special way that I'll never be able to love anyone else, because A) I'll never ever ever have another baby daddy B) I'll never ever ever have another gay ex and C) there will never ever ever be another Matt.  And right now things are good.

A couple of days ago I downloaded an app on my phone to meet men.

Yeah.  I did.

It's supposedly not just for hooking up... However, the night I downloaded it, a dude sent me a photo of his penis.  And just so I could have the complete opposite of that experience, the 2nd night I was chatting with someone who asked me very quickly, "You're not Mormon, are you?"

"What in the world made you ask that?!"

"Just a feeling."

"Um, well...I used to be... Not anymore..."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Wait...are you Mormon??"

"Yes.  But I consider myself a freethinker."

"Are you ready to learn something about me?"

"Yes."

"I was married to a homosexual."

"And?"

Uh...this is our first conversation and on a dating app's chat, no less.  How in the world do I put this so we can move on to other topics???

"Well...when I gave myself permission to accept that I disagreed with the church on the GAY ISSUE, everything else started crumbling around me.  It was heartbreaking.  The fairy tale wasn't true."

"So, how do you know the church isn't true? I understand this was painful for you, but how do you know?"

"Um..."

"This was your experience and it must have been hard, but do you have proof?"

"Like I said, things, over time, crumbled right before my eyes.  I didn't ask for that to happen, but it did."

"Yeah, I got it, thanks.  You were hurt.  But how do you know the church isn't really true, dear?"

"Dear?"

"You're giving me gravy and I want meat, damnit.  This is all emotion, but I want your proof or evidence that the church isn't true."

At this point, my hands were shaking and I could barely see what was on my phone's screen.

How do I put a button on this so I can end this CHAT and block him??!!!

"Okay, so you're clearly getting defensive.  You asked ME.  I just shared some serious emotional stuff with you over this Chat.  Leaving was not about proof or evidence for me, but about Love and Safety.  I find your tone extremely odd and very uncomfortable."

Send.

Block.

Since when is a Mormon's testimony based on proof or evidence anyway?!  Any Mormon or otherwise believer will tell you it's fundamentally based on Faith.

So I came to 2 possible conclusions about this Blonde Mormon Man on the dating app:

Possible Conclusion #1)  He's in serious denial about the fact that he ain't sure one way or t'other of the church's TRUEness.

Possible Conclusion #2)  He's closeted.

Easy Peasy!  (can't wait to see the haters' comments on this one)

I'm Ashley.  Opinionated.  Not afraid of stereotypes.  I sum things up to my own satisfaction.

JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU.


Lastly, my daughter, Hana, who's 15, has her first official job.  She works at a water park.  And our relationship is really pretty great.









7 comments:

  1. For a minute there I thought it was the dude who sent you his cocktail as an introduction that you were having this conversation with, and I very nearly raised an eyebrow.

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  2. Glad to hear from you! Sounds like things are on an upswing. Hugs!

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  3. Awesome-awesome that you're "putting yourself out there" to further your degree and to date! Yeah, there are so many wierdsmobiles out there, I finally kind of gave up. I hope the great good of the universe helps you find someone who makes you happy... and whom you can make happy in return. You deserve the best of your dreams.

    Best of Luck with school, family and everything, Ashley!

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  4. Online dating is so funny. Heaven forbid you hold off on being completely open until at least five minutes into things. People want intimacy so badly, they're willing to create it out of a few pictures and inappropriate honesty. Honesty is always appropriate, but a how do you do first puhlease!

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  5. How do I know? Because my brassiere burst into sudden green flames upon the last crumb crumbling! Gah!

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  6. WHOA!! Congrats on getting in to an LLU grad program! WELL DONE!
    Before you give up on it, please-please-please promise me (or at least consider and/or pray about) going in to sit down with one of the finance counselors and cahtting about any and all options that might exist: grants/scholarships/internships/student teaching.. ANYTHING that could make this a possibility.
    "Getting in" with the Adventist (SDA) system, ESPECIALLY via LLU, really eases the burden of networking. And there is a large need for MS-es.
    (Is there a way to take maybe just one or two classes a quarter?)
    I'll stop. But, know I'm SUPER-impressed!
    Cheers!
    -Amy

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