Should I just go live with my parents?
Should I have all 4 kids live with Matt and I rent a room?
Should I become a call girl? The high-class, makes 6 figures kind?
It's too hard.
Telling my kids 'no', they can't have this $3 ice cream or that $15 shirt.
Exhaling mightily when they tell me they need new shoes because there are holes in the current pair or their feet have grown.
It's so damn hard. Too hard.
I feel like I'm a pretty good person. I'm smart. I'm witty. I'm a hard worker. I'm even pleasant.
Why is it so hard?
I'm not pursuing acting because I need to be a parent first.
I'm not in school because I put all my eggs (for now anyway) in a $35,000 a year basket (see previous post).
I'm ready to throw in the towel. I'm feeling beat. I'm the woman who lived in a shoe. I'm Lady Madonna.
What I want is to be valued for my talents and intellect. $Valued$
I'm not ashamed to say it!
I am worth chasms more than this barely scraping by bullshit! More than this I-should-forgo-deodorant-so-I-can-gas-up-the-car joke way of living.
I got a spider bite on Wednesday. Today, Sunday, it's nasty. Discolored. Bright red. Painful. Swollen. And rather than take myself to an urgent care, I'm waiting till after 4 tomorrow for the free clinic.
I can't lose work hours- I'm paid hourly. And I don't have insurance so whatever bill I'd rack up tonight at urgent care would inevitably go to collections.
I've got 3 huge open accounts in collections as we speak!
And WHY? Because, I'm resolved to making minimum wage, thus couldn't pay all the bills.
And WHY? Because my résumé is freaking pathetic.
WHY? Because I was raising my kids for over a decade before life went upside down.
Look at me!! I'm freakin' hot!
How am I not making more $ in this world with a face like this?? Yeah, that's right! I said that!
I said it!!
(The following photo is not my face)
(That is also not my boob)
Long live Jambi.