In Which I Interview My Sister About Moving in With Me
Me: Hi, Carrie.
Me: I'm interviewing you right now.
Me: You recently moved. Correct?
Sis: I did. I'm a free bird. Because I live wherever I am.
Me: I see. So, where do you live right now, at this time?
Sis: Well, I take my slumber at your house, Sister. But I like knowing that I live in California.
Me: And why is that?
Sis: Firstly, California is more evolved than many of the other states. It has mountains, Gandalf, mountains! And the Mother Ocean is not too far away. And I can smoke pot here and not feel...like a criminal.
Me: But you are a criminal...
Sis: (giggles) According to the effed up system, you mean?
Me: I mean, it's not like you live in Colorado.
Sis: Well, it beats Louisiana & Oklahoma.
Me: Tell me about the highlights of your first 6 days here in Southern California.
Sis: Coming from the Louisiana swamp lands (for the last 4 months), the air here seems crisper and smells much better... delightful even. I love the Palm, Orange, and Lemon trees. And the mountain views in the distance (looks fondly out the window).
Sis: I'm enjoying the authentic Mexican food, Trader Joe's- which I like to call Elysium... Of course, I always cherish time with family and Sizzer (sister).
Me: Um, what are some fun things you've done with Sizzer so far?
Sis: We've gone to World Market, you're wonderful place of employment with its eclectic worldly treasures. Had liquid nitrogen ice cream. And watched Wanderlust 3 times.
Me: Jesus, Carrie. What about the drag show I took you to featuring Raven of RuPaul's Drag Race fame?
Sis: Aahhh, yes. That.
Me: Yes. That.
Sis: It has been many a moon since I've gone to a drag show because I realized that I was never going to find a heterosexual man to have sex with if I continued hanging out at the gay clubs all the time. But I must say it was top notch. And I wish it would have been my birthday so I could have been made to talk about how much I love to perform a O*%! S@# in front of the gay man who would never be interested in my talents.
Me: Well, I'm hoping you particularly enjoyed Raven's rendition of The Jet's "Crush on You" complete with banana-clipped wig and pink, belted jump suit with shoulder pads. (gives threatening look to Sis)
Sis: Um... loved... it.
Me: I hate you. Move out.
Sis: (giggling nervously) Um, what else fun have we done (looking at ceiling, ignoring sister)? We've hung out at the best coffee shop in town, Olive Ave Market.
Me: That is exactly correct. Why won't you get your eyebrows done with me, bitch? (crosses arms)
Sis: Because au naturale is very important to me. Besides on my nethers. All dats gots ta go.
Me: Oh, but you also like mani-pedis.
Sis: One of the few girly things I value. I also do it for men. Cause boyyyy do they love that shit.
Me: Hey, sis. Why the fuck won't you watch Battlestar Galactica with me?
Sis: I have watched 3 episodes of the 1st season. All it is is a soap opera in space. And 'So Say We All' annoys the hell out of me.
Me: ...can't argue there.
Sis: And they do the 'frak', right?
Me: (nods head) Any final words?
Sis: Yes, for more of me, please check out my blog (authorcawhite.wordpress.com), twitter (@MermaidLion), and FB fan page (Facebook.com/authorCAWhite).
Me: Any final words about California? Or Ashley?
Sis: Nothing is coming to mind.
Sis: Don't hate me.
Me: I already said that I did.