Friday, December 21, 2012

My State. Lordy, Lordy (as my Mamaw used to say)

Yesterday, for the first time since my divorce, which took place in May of 2010, I had the thought, Maybe it would have been easier to have just stayed married.  All I did was swap one set of headaches for another.  (Do you have any idea how many times I was told this in the last 8 years of my marriage when I was divorce-hungry?)

Now, hang on.  Let me explain the day I was having~

-My van had broken down on the freeway the night before.

-I am stressing about Christmas and absorbing Matt's stress about it.

-I am mentally exhausted from putting in over 40 hours a week for the past 2 weeks, ringing people up who aren't in the best holiday shopping mood.

-I need to get out of this house ASA-Freaking-P and get my own place, as I just do not feel comfortable here- not just in the house, but also on this street.

-I've been told by the orthodontist that Ada needs braces yesterday before her underbite sets in permanently.

So there I am in the car with Matt on the way to meet the tow truck, sobbing, as I feel all of these things crushing me and wondering how divorced people do it.

How in God's name do they get braces for their kids?  Get new cars?  Pay rent?  Provide Christmas?

If I'd stayed married to the homosexual, I would very likely be in a newer, properly functioning car THAT WAS REGISTERED.  I wouldn't need to worry about rent.  Ada's braces and Christmas would still be a strain, but doable.

I tried to reflect on what life was like married.  Financially, things weren't perfect, but nothing like the mountain I find myself trying to scale now.  And the other issues... OH, THE OTHER ISSUES...

I never dreamed that I could have all the wonderful things that I have with my fellah, Jeremy.  Granted he is a few states away, but the future promises us being together sooner than later and an emotional fulfillment that was quite simply not possible when I was married, which spurred me into one depression after another.

Not that Jeremy is the answer to my problems.  Because no human being can provide that.  This is pure and simple psychology.  (IHaveNoShameInTheAmountOfTherapyIHaveHad)

So,

Gosh.

Jeez.

Life, man.

And, no, I did not come to a conclusion that I should have stayed married to Matt.  But having that thought at all, was... telling in regards to my state right now.  And I ain't just talking about the state of California!

Couples who are not happy stay married for these reasons.  I get it now.







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