Tips on Parenting by Ashley

When talking with your teenagers, use the word 'penis' as often as logic will allow.  For example, when you're teaching your teenage daughter to put air in a car tire.

When you are buying alcohol at the grocery store, and your young child asks if the adult beverage is for you, smile confidently and say, "No. It's for your father."

When the children don't obey you when told to do their chores, say, "Okie doke.  Suit yourself." And then when their gay father pulls into the driveway from work, begin to laugh, heartily.  Tell them, through your laughter, "Your dad's home!  He's gonna be so pissed at you guys!"

Make jokes often and consistently about hefty topics, i.e., gay dad, teenage sex, STD's, money, your only male child's genitals.  It really breaks the ice and everyone becomes much more at ease with discussing things openly.  And that's good, cause good communication is real important.

When the kids' bedtime is rolling around and you are too tired to go through that rigamarole, go to sleep yourself or just leave the house.  When you wake up/come home say in disbelief, "Why are you guys still awake?! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"  It teaches them to be independent.

When you move back in with your ex-husband and things don't seem to be going too special, take advantage of this teaching moment with your kids.  Smile and say, "See, it's really good that your dad and I got divorced!  Isn't it wonderful?  Everyone should get a divorce!"  This will make them feel special and privileged.  They will assume that all their friends with married parents are jealous (as well their friends should be) and sad.  It's a surefire formula for more confidence in your child's step and success in school.

Say your middle school child is late, because she doesn't get out of bed when her alarm goes off, or when you have attempted to wake her up between 4 and 7 times.  If she asks for a ride, because there is not enough time now to walk the quarter mile to school, throw the tea kettle that is in your hand across the room and scream about how she needs to use her fucking brain.  After which, whether or not you drive her to school is irrelevant.

When you are in a bad mood, a negative mood, a stressed out state, or sad, GET LOST.  Go away and come back when you are in a better state of mind to deal with the kids.  Taking your shit out on them is damaging.  But if you don't do this, and lose it one night with the children, post about it on Facebook.  You'll usually get a lot of people commenting that they have been shitty parents at times, too.  Then you'll be able to sleep better.


  1. One time out of frustration, while my daughter was throwing a temper-tantrum over not being able to accompany her mother and I on a trip to the grocery store... she refused to give her mom a kiss goodbye or tell her she loved her... In frustration, and without much thought, I told her that she ought to learn to talk to people and treat them as if it were the last time she ever would, because if there was a terrible accident and her mom never came home again, she would be sorry she acted like such a little brat the rest of her life... I was everybody's least favorite person for weeks after that fiasco... Parenting is a freaking circus... I think most times I'm just trying not to let the ferocious animals kill the clowns...

    1. I don't see anything wrong with telling her that. There is nothing more effective than a good old-fashioned guilt trip, and it's a really important lesson to learn. Once when I was 13 I bitched to my mom because we visited my great-grandmother at the nursing home every Sunday and it was so. Boringggggggg. She said, "How would you feel if you were stuck somewhere you couldn't leave, and no one ever visited you?" I cried and cried.

  2. and i thought you weren't listening when i ranted to you all those times!!

  3. I am a firm believer in Parental Time Outs. And vacationing without them. Come home from 2 weeks away and you are loved, for a few days anyway.

  4. I hope you're saving for their therapy funds

  5. Why? Because she called her daughter out on her irresponsibility then felt guilt because of the method in which she did it? Because she has learned that "
    When you are in a bad mood, a negative mood, a stressed out state, or sad, GET LOST. Go away and come back when you are in a better state of mind to deal with the kids."

    Maybe you should reread the post Karen.


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