Skip to main content

Some Things That I Used to Love, but Now I Hate So Much... and Visa Versa:

Homework.  I really did enjoy it all the way until 12th grade.  In college, not at all.  Now, helping my kids with it, makes me wanna punch windows out.

Blood and Guts.  When I was a kid, I couldn't handle the thought of shots, having blood drawn, surgeries.  When someone would mention such things, I felt like I was being cut into.  Also, I couldn't stand looking at wrists.  Now, I love Walking Dead which is all of those things.

Classical Music.  I'm not sure what the psychology is behind this, but it used to hurt me.  I mean, it made me have ANGST and wailing and gnashing of teeth!!!  Now, it is like pure oxygen and catharsis.  There is something about beautiful perfectly played music with no words to dictate what to think or feel.  The music is my own to interpret and apply to anything I'd like.

Reading.  I struggled to enjoy it for many many many years.  Now, it's one of those things that I wish I had more time for, like, a hot bath (but better).

Cooking.  Screw cooking and the horse it came in on!  I loved cooking one time.  When I was in first grade, I was making pancakes on Saturday mornings.  Loved experimenting and trying new recipes all during elementary school and up until college.  I stopped enjoying experimenting soon into my marriage and just stuck to casseroles and stir fry.  After I had my 4th kid- FORGET IT.  I hated cooking like Mrs. White hated that french maid in Clue.

The Shape of the Female Hiney.  I used to be embarrassed by it when I'd see one in movies and such.  And I never wanted to look at my own.  The woman's derrière is flat and wide.  Even in skinny girls, it's wider than any other part of the body, so it looks wide and flat.  That is because of our child bearing hips.  Now, today, I understand that men really love it.  At first, I was incredulous.  How can anyone like that shape?  We look like a cello back there.  Well, they really do love it.  So I thought twice about it.  More than twice.  Seven times.  I even checked out the view in the mirror once, trying to see it the way a man does.  I was like, Okay, okay... And now I love seeing women's rear ends at the movies!  And I'm straight!

Grunge.  You know, it served an important purpose- it changed the face of music when it sorely needed  nips and tucks.  That's kinda how I see disco.  Such a specific kind of music.  It was like that Monty Python, "And now for something completely different!" So needed.  But only in its time!  Now, I don't know, it's just boring.  With the exception of... Smells Like Teen Spirit.  That song will never go away.

Spring.  I used to get all kinds of excited about this Mary Poppins-y time of year.  Easter eggs and Easter dresses.  Wizard of Oz coming on TV.  Flowers.  Pastel M&M's.  But now it gets me depressed.  ??????  I really love cold, crisp, cloudy Earth-times!  And for some reason, I don't feel like I've been gettin' enough.  Cedar City, where I was for 8 years, is a desert.  That could be why.  Not enough gloomy weather to satisfy my broody, enigmatic personality.


  1. Eddie Veddar has become the Barry Manilow of our time.

  2. "We look like a cello back there."

    Look up Man Ray and his photograph "Violon d'Ingres". Note to yourself that from a straight man's point of view, "looking like a cello back there" is A Good Thing. Especially for us musical types (although my main instrument is trombone...).


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Counterfeit Experience of the Straight Spouse

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is and was marginalized.

Don't get me wrong! I'm the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically.  I'm the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, "Sweetheart, come on.  Stop doing this to yourself.  It's 2017 and depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS." 

But there are also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like... Ashley 1.0.

We aren't living authentically either.

And our suffering and scars don't seem too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain. 

If you're just joining this conversation:  No, it is not just about sex. …

In Which I Feel Compelled to Start a Blog Because of a Club and a Unicorn...

My name is Ashley.  I was Mormon for the first 36 years of my life.

Yep, I was baptized when I was 8.  I went to BYU where I received a Bachelors in Theatre.  I married a returned missionary in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple.  We were full tithe payers.  I fulfilled several callings diligently, including serving as Primary President for 2 years.

About a year after my divorce, I was chatting with my new bishop, who I had known for several years prior to that.  He asked me, "So, Ashley, why did you and Matt get divorced?"

I replied, "Matt is a homosexual."

I just looked him in the eye after I said this and waited a few seconds while he absorbed it.

Then he asked, "Well, was there another problem as well?  Like drinking? Or gambling?"
I looked him in the eye a second time and replied, "Nope.  Just that."

He was genuinely confused.


I was in a mixed-orientation marriage- a marriage between someone who is gay and someone who i…

The White Man

Let's leave this ambiguous.

Also, I'm not gonna tell you about experiences that took place with just one white man. For this, I'll make it one lumpy conceptual White Cisgender Heterosexual Conservative Male (cue the music from the 'Beef-It's What's For Dinner!' music).

In the work force, I have to deal with him. I have to play the game of diplomacy without compromising who I am. If it's mental gymnastics, it's the balance beam in heels with someone patting me on the head saying, "Gosh, I just don't know how you do that! I never could do that! But here are some pointers! Hey! Why did you do it like that?? Why aren't you listening?"

...but I just keep doing my thing.

Utah is the type of prime real estate, and certainly not the most prime, where this guy is King. Everything around him is his dominion. He is not a part of a group that is marginalized. For those of you who do not understand what I mean, I'll present you with the ext…