Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Girl, You Know It's True

Things I would rather do than help Timothy with homework:

-  Eat skunk ovaries

-  Lay down in the middle of the street and dodge traffic all day by rolling back and forth between the curbs.  

-  Eat a jar of Miracle Whip...with a spoon...in a heat wave.


Things I would rather do than go through Ada and Timothy's bedtime routine each night:

-  Burn all my fingertips

-  Mix cigarette ashes and horseradish together and then rub into my eyeballs

-  Lay face down on the front lawn for a week and not move


Things I would rather do than walk into a Mormon church:

-  Gladly give up all Klondike bars for the rest of my life

-  Stare at a goat's rotting corpse

-  Think about politics


Things I would rather do than think about politics: 

-  Help Timothy with his homework

-  Chew carob/wheat grass flavored gum

-  Go back in time and return to 7th grade for a month



Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do valuable things with my time.  Like read Game of Thrones, go back to sleep till 2pm, and  then work on my Milli Vanilli choreography.

4 comments:

  1. I think I just spit out my water onto my computer screen reading this....you truly make me laugh out loud!

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  2. You're hilarious - and I feel the same about helping kids with homework, bedtime routines and entering a Mormon Church.

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