Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Teachings of Ashley

Occasionally, my young sister will come to me for advice [we usually convene on the magic box (computer, for those of you who are not enlightened)], and I will impart my wisdom unto her. This is one of those times: 


Ashley: TEACHING TIME!!!!!

Carrie: Why do men change into a different person completely during/after their midlife crisis??

Ashley: Because they never knew who they were in the first place. Next question.

Carrie: Unrequited Love. Why does this exist??

Ashley: It all comes down to one thing:

Ashley: The San Andreas Fault. 


Ashley: Los Angeles...yes...City of Satan.

Carrie: Then it would be Los Diablos.

Ashley: BINGO.
I can see that after so many years of my teachings, you are really learning truth.

Carrie: So maybe when the planets align in 2012 ...unrequited love will BE CURED!!!
yes???

Ashley: When California falls off into the ocean finally (Disneyland will not, FYI, it will float in the air) everyone will love everyone. However, when we lose all the actors due to this, we will no longer know who to vote for. THERE IS ALWAYS A GIVE AND TAKE, CARRIE.

Carrie: God giveth...and he taketh away.

Ashley: Yes. You get a piece of candy for that one.

Carrie: It's just the natural order of things.....you taught me that.

Ashley: Ah...yes...I did...long ago.
Next question.
I need at least 3 questions or I cannot teach.

Carrie: I really wanna try peyote. In an actual Indian circle with a fire and one of em playin some flute type thing.
What do you think the Great Spirit will show me?

Ashley: Okay. The Great Spirit topic.  He will show you that your weakness is your strength and that George Michael used Britney Spears as a horcrux.

Carrie: LOLOLOLOL
that raises the question "what happens when Britney is killed?"

Ashley: Good question. Another part of George Michael will die (I say another part because parts of him already died with Bo Diddley and Farrah Fawcet and the release of the movie The Ugly Truth).

Carrie: ooooohhhhhhhhhhh snap!!
But i really do love George Michael!! As much as I want Britney dead we must keep her alive to keep George alive!!
But I still think peyote has something big in store for me.

Ashley: Oh, I see that you are willing to sacrifice happiness for G.M.
Is that a question?

Carrie: um it's a statement that is open for comments.
or excuse me....wisdom.

Ashley: oh...i don't usually teach in such unconventional ways, but since you said 'wisdom' I will elaborate on your statement.
I feel (and I base this feeling on my years of study and traveling) that the peyote will connect you to Lou Diamonds Phillips in ways you can only dream of, like you did when you were 10 years old.

Carrie: I really like this!!
I would like to be Keifer's flower and he my butterfly.

Ashley: Is this your last question/statement or are you just sharing an inappropriate feeling with me?

Carrie: Forgive.
last one is coming...

I sense that my redheaded child is becoming way too much like me. How do I stop this?

Ashley: Hmmm...
I hate to say this...
You cannot.
You subconsciously want her to be just like you. Just like Oprah wants us to be like her. So you have to ask yourself what YOU can change about YOU. If you don't, when she's 13, she will become another horcrux for George Michael (oh, he has thousands) and she won't find her way out of that one even with peyote.
Crystal Meth, perhaps...but who wants that.

Carrie: In the name of Jesus Christ...amen.

Ashley: Here's my plan of action, start feeding her cajun food. Lots of cayenne. It will burn the Carrie out of her.

Gotta go. Have other pupils to teach.

Carrie: I will say 'no' to this one. You can't put out a fire with more fire.

Ashely: You don't understand the power of HooDoo then... oh well, we'll save that one for next time.

Carrie: ok. goodbye my guru.








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