Today is my sister's birthday. She's 34. In honor of this, I would like to take your clammy hand and bring you with me down that scary, treacherous lane, I like to call Memory Lane, where I shall share stories about crazy freak Sister and our effed up relationship.

(harp music sounds)

When Carrie was 2 and I was 5, I was riding my new bike outside, and I was mad at Carrie. So I ran over her.


Carrie and I loved MTV growing up. I mean, it was our growing up. It was religious.


One time, during high school, Carrie asked me to give her a trim.  I cut all of her hair off.


Concerts we've been to together-  REM ('89), Depeche Mode ('93), Adam Ant ('95)


I took Carrie to Vegas for her 30th birdthday. We had the best buffet on The Strip at the Wynn. Carrie:  "Hey, you know your best childhood friend from Louisiana?"

Me:  "Yes."

Carrie:  "You know how I would sleep over with her sometimes?"

Me:  "Oh, yeah, I forgot about that."

Carrie:  "Well, we would fool around sometimes."

Me: "..."


When Matt and I lived in Illinois, he was the Associate Director of the Illinois Shakespeare Festival.  Carrie and her then husband were visiting from the Milwaukee area.

We were all getting ready to go see a show at the fest. Matt had left already and had asked me to bring him some dinner. Dinner that night had been baked potatoes. 

So as Carrie, husband, and I were rushing around trying to leave on time, I threw a potato into a tupperware thingy with butter and cheese. We were starting to walk out the door when I exclaimed, "I forgot sour cream!" To which my sister exclaimed, "ASHLEY, YOU CAN'T DO EVERYTHING!!"


Recently, Carrie and I were discussing the cinematic triumph, Young Guns, which was such a pivotal, defining moment in our fine upbringing.  For some reason, I brought up the ending when Billy shoots Jack Palance square in the forehead, and I quoted, "Reap the whirlwind," which is of course what Billy says right before he kills Palance.

Carrie's all, "Whu??"

I said, "Whaddya mean whu?"

"Billy says, 'Rape the World', doesn't he?"

"What?! Hahahaha!!! No, Carrie. No."


Back in 2008, when I was still married and trying to fill the void with Twilight, I called up my sister and asked her to please read these totes awesome books! When she got to Eclipse, she called me up, pissed. She was upset that Bella was being such a bitch, trying to have Edward and Jacob at the same time.

Me:  "I know, I know!" in a agreeance.

Carrie:  "Bitch cain't haav bofe werrlds."

My sister is an oracle, damnit!


Carrie was staying with me for about a month this spring. I have 3 cats. She hates cats. Hates them. One night, my cat, Mistress Quickly, an older female bengal, was walking along the top of my bed's head board while we were asleep and leapt onto Carrie's head.  I woke up to Carrie screaming, "Fuck you!"


I was with Carrie for few days in the spring of last year in Tulsa.  Her girls were with their dad most of the time during my visit.

She lived in this rad area of Tulsa near Cherry Street.  My first night, we were strolling down Cherry St when we walked passed a bar.  I had not yet made the life choice to partake in alcohol.

"There's a cute bartender there!" Carrie informs.

"Oh! Let's go there!" I say.

"Are you gonna have a drink?"

"Uummm, nah."

"Then we're not going."

"You're mad."


Later that night, we were sitting in her living room watching a movie.  She was having her nightly toke, and then shoved the joint in my face.


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