The emotional effect of it exhausted me last night. I crashed at about 12 to only be tossing and turning and eventually wide awake at 4:30 am. So I texted my fellah, who has insomnia, to see if he was insomniating (I make up words). He told me he hadn't slept a wink because he was voraciously reading comments posted on my blog.
I told him to knock that crap off and meet me for breakfast.
Zombie boyfriend met me at our favorite diner here in town. He gave me a big squeeze, and I felt incredibly lucky to feel his extraordinary support.
Flashback to last night pre beddy-bye:
I was experiencing a slowly building freak-out because of the number of responses to my post. Granted, I am thrilled beyond words to offer a voice of honesty and realness (for many). I've been wanting to do something akin to this for a long time, but I was not expecting the nutso numbers and this fast.
I was texting Matt, my ex, about it, but to no avail. I could not articulate what I was feeling and thinking (Ala Paula Abdul on American Idol). But then he said, "I'm kinda feeling the same way." Ha!
So, basically for a few hours there, I was nervous. Very.
Now back to today.
I have not read all the comments. I simply don't have time, working 2 part-time jobs and raising my 2 youngest kids (the 2 older ones have lived with gay dad in California for about 4 months now- my babies...I miss them so much).
However, this morning, zombie boyfriend gave me a briefing at our impromptu coffee date. I knew there'd be some major dissenters. Super!
My most excellent boyfriend (and, yes, it feels silly when I say 'boyfriend' at 36) is a strong man who's been through hell himself, and if I didn't have him in my life when I'd posted this blog like I did, I might be a frightened mess. But who knows, maybe I'm being too hard on myself.
The dialogue that's happening through the comments on my post is wonderful- good, bad, and ugly. Talking about things that have rarely been talked about openly ever before is...golly...CONSTRUCTIVE. How's that for a word?
I must go now to kick some tukis at the library- I'm a librarian 20ish hours out of the week.
Before I wrap up, though:
Matt, I love you. So much, man. We gave it our best, and these last 2 years, since the big D, I feel closer to you than ever.
I am proud of my blog post...and still a little nervous.
Lastly, and let this go down in the annals of blogdom, I would never tell anyone currently in a mixed-orientation marriage to get a divorce. I'm not trying to preach that what Matt and I chose is the choice for all.
However, I would strongly discourage those of you who are unmarried to choose this type of marriage for yourself. Understand the huge risk, the desperation and misery. My blog exists to offer 'responsible information' and 'humane guidance'. Oh, and also... you should probably just not do it.