Thursday, June 14, 2012

Nutso

I don't know that I've ever used the word 'nutso' before...or if anyone has for that matter.  But that is the first word that comes to mind in regards to the response my post has had in its wee tiny 36 hour life span.

The emotional effect of it exhausted me last night.  I crashed at about 12 to only be tossing and turning and eventually wide awake at 4:30 am.  So I texted my fellah, who has insomnia, to see if he was insomniating (I make up words).  He told me he hadn't slept a wink because he was voraciously reading comments posted on my blog.


I told him to knock that crap off and meet me for breakfast.

Zombie boyfriend met me at our favorite diner here in town.  He gave me a big squeeze, and I felt incredibly lucky to feel his extraordinary support.

Flashback to last night pre beddy-bye:


I was experiencing a slowly building freak-out because of the number of responses to my post.  Granted, I am thrilled beyond words to offer a voice of honesty and realness (for many).  I've been wanting to do something akin to this for a long time, but I was not expecting the nutso numbers and this fast.

I was texting Matt, my ex, about it, but to no avail.  I could not articulate what I was feeling and thinking (Ala Paula Abdul on American Idol).  But then he said, "I'm kinda feeling the same way."  Ha!

So, basically for a few hours there, I was nervous.  Very. 

Now back to today.

I have not read all the comments.  I simply don't have time, working 2 part-time jobs and raising my 2 youngest kids (the 2 older ones have lived with gay dad in California for about 4 months now- my babies...I miss them so much).

However, this morning, zombie boyfriend gave me a briefing at our impromptu coffee date.  I knew there'd be some major dissenters.  Super!


My most excellent boyfriend (and, yes, it feels silly when I say 'boyfriend' at 36) is a strong man who's been through hell himself, and if I didn't have him in my life when I'd posted this blog like I did, I might be a frightened mess.  But who knows, maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

The dialogue that's happening through the comments on my post is wonderful- good, bad, and ugly.  Talking about things that have rarely been talked about openly ever before is...golly...CONSTRUCTIVE.  How's that for a word?

I must go now to kick some tukis at the library- I'm a librarian 20ish hours out of the week.

Before I wrap up, though:

Matt, I love you.  So much, man.  We gave it our best, and these last 2 years, since the big D, I feel closer to you than ever.

I am proud of my blog post...and still a little nervous.

Lastly, and let this go down in the annals of blogdom, I would never tell anyone currently in a mixed-orientation marriage to get a divorce.  I'm not trying to preach that what Matt and I chose is the choice for all. 

However, I would strongly discourage those of you who are unmarried to choose this type of marriage for yourself.  Understand the huge risk, the desperation and misery.  My blog exists to offer 'responsible information' and 'humane guidance'.  Oh, and also... you should probably just not do it.



16 comments:

  1. It's a message that is sorely needed when it comes to faith...and when it comes to ANY marriage.

    You do the best with what you've got. Our bests are relative.

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  2. It was an extraordinary statement, and deserves to be widely read and thought about and talked about... Obviously a lot of people felt there was a need for someone to articulately respond to the furor over Josh Weed's post, and you filled that need... Provided some balance. Thanks again, and get some sleep tonight!

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  3. Thank you, JGW. And AMH, agreed.

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  4. I like your made up words, and I like your post. I like Josh's too. People should know all sides of everything.. I don't feel you discredit anything, you're just telling your truth, as he is telling his. Again, I feel this necessary dialogue on both ends as well. Conversation not had does NOT mean that it's not happening. I also hope you sleep tonight.. sleep is bliss!!

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  5. It's a little ironic to me when people claim telling my story is advocating and encouraging mixed orientation couples to divorce. First, because it's not true. Second, because there was no shortage of people who had never been in a mixed orientation marriage encouraging me to enter into one.

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  6. Anne-Marie DeOllosJune 15, 2012 at 1:36 AM

    Well, sheesh! I read your post as soon as it was up yesterday it had a handful of comments, but...HOT TAMALE, DEL FUEGO, DEL TACO INFERNO SAUCE!!! Muey Caliente. I'd like to thank you for encouraging my insomnia as I was off to bed 2 hours ago, but had to scroll through the interesting variety of commentary and then proceed to write a 4 paragraph comment that I accidetally deleted. So, here is the low-down revision...Weed's story is his, might have even possibly enlightened some LDS homophobes in the process just talking about sexuality & gayness. I think your situation is 100 times more common than theirs, but if he is being honest, good on 'em. The flipside is that he could become the poster child for "See! This church/marriage/gay thing can work!" But, I think he wrote it as pc as he could with a strong theme of self-love and tolerance to all. (I hope the homophobes got that theme)

    Your story is obviously much more personal to me. If anyone knew how witty & wicked funny you are, they wouldn't take it as cattiness as much as a cautious skepticism possibly? I always feel enlightened and closer to you and Matt through your writing and I love you and Matt and the kids so, so much. The love, friendship & respect you continue to have for eachother is enviable. My heart aches for the pain, lonliness and despair you were feeling. I can relate in my own way. My heart aches for my sweet Brother and how he must have felt growing up in our big (diverse) LDS family struggling with himself and his desire to overcome being gay. He is still the same considerate, loving, talented, sweet person that he has always been and I love him and you and the kids so much. (yeah-THAT was the revision) Don't read the rude stuff. The anonymity of the internet lets the bullies come out. Now go eat some salsa because my opening line made me want to. love, loves.

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  7. Anne-Marie, LOVE YOU. FOR-E-VER!!

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  8. I have to repost my comment here where you will find it, because I need you to see it! I could not get halfway through your post without crying tears of understanding. Your story is nearly identical to my own. Temple marriage, callings, tithe paying, pretending it was perfect while we sat in Sacrament meetings. Listening to the planned out suicide ideas. Extreme frustration after sex, there was a lot of anger on his part, and sadness on mine. Counseling, Bishops in disbelief and questioning ME, feeling not at all like the Daughter of God I was raised to believe I should have been. There are also children involved and my heart knows your story.

    What I would give to sit with you, to talk, to laugh, to cry and to finally share with someone who understands, who really knows. I know you wrote this for a completely different reason than what I got out of it. But after 18 years of living and finally leaving what you just described, I suddenly feel a lot less alone. Thank you for having the courage to speak up. YOU are not alone.

    Thank you, so very much, for speaking out to the other side that is the truth of 99.9% of these situations.

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  9. Been there: You would be amazed to know how many of us there are with nearly identical stories. We have a facebook group and have been working on a website with resources and information at http://straightspouses.org

    We would love to have you join us, if you feel comfortable contacting me.

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  10. Been There, that is EXACTLY why I posted. To connect us all with realness. Sitting down, face to face, with you would be wonderful.

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  11. You are amazing and brave. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  12. Ashley, you are extraordinary. I am an adult child from a mixed-orientation marriage (never heard the term before, but I like it). My father (who is actually trans-gender, not gay, and is now a woman) didn't come out to my mother or any of us kids until 28 years into the marriage. What he did was spend his life under a cloud of Catholic guilt. He was an angry, violent, usually drunk, and generally miserable person. Our family lived in constant fear of him. His fear and guilt over his secret turned him into a monster.

    I am so impressed by you and your ex, for making the responsible and loving choice to end a marriage that forced you both to hide. And for your kids, to be able to give them a mother and father confident enough to accept themselves, is such a precious gift.

    I just can't express how impressed I am by your courage, love and kindness. I wish all the best for you and your family.

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  13. This is such an amazing post and amazing blog and just know that I am so freaking impressed. Kudos to you for being so brave and open and so understanding.

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  14. I am sorry you went through everything the way you did. But I believe everything makes us all grow stronger in the end. I thank you for sharing your stories, I truly enjoy your reading your posts.

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