To All Those That Know You Are Gay, but You Still Say You're Interested in Women on Facebook:

(I'm gonna be a bitch for a minute.  But just for a minute.)

First I wanna start with You, yeah, you- the one who went on an LDS mission and believes the mission cured your attraction to the same sex.

You've been back long enough now to know that you are still attracted to men (or women, as the case may be), right?  But you wanna hang on just in case something else spiritually miraculous happens, and it goes away again.

Dear Former Elder/Sister, IT AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE.  NOW CHANGE YOUR FB "Interested In" OR AT LEAST LEAVE IT BLANK.  You are only hurting yourself and others.  Prolonging the inevitable.  There are too many loving people in our community (LGBT and Allies) who are wanting you to end the confusion and pain, who are waiting to throw our arms around you and accept you and love you.  And when you do that, guess what?  Your Heavenly Father will not be disappointed in you and will still love you just the same as before.  It's true.

I promise.

He told me.

Next, I wanna talk to You.  You, who for years have been secretly having sex with/messing around with people of the same sex, but in public behave hetero-ly.

Here's why you need to change your FB "Interested In" (besides the obvious):  all those people you've done? They talk.  They tell their best friends who know all your mutual friends, and whether or not the BFF actually talks, you are seen as a joke.  As a liar. As a coward.

Be honest.  Be authentic.  If you are going to actually engage in physical activity with the same sex, have the decency to stay stop lying to the members of the opposite sex that you are bringing home to mama.  You are not in any way marriage material for them!

Also, you're like 36.  It's. Time. To. Be. Who. You. Really. Are.

Not to mention, the lying and secrecy is one jolly way people get & give STD's.            fin

Thirdly, there's You- I like to refer to you as the repeat offender.  You got married to the opposite sex when you were young because of pressure from home, religion, or fear.  And whether or not you acted out as your authentic self before you were married, you knew.  You knew you were gay. And, lo and behold, the first marriage is miserable!

You find a way out of it by blaming your straight spouse. And in the next few months or years of being single again, you marry someone else! Another poor victim of your fear and lies. And let's say you have children with these poor straights you keep marrying... shame one you.  You have brought lives into a world that you created based on lies and your unhappiness and selfishness.

How do you do it?  How do you find contentment in a lie, a lie you are invested in with children no less? Are you taking some heavy duty anti-anxiety/depression meds?  Are you sneaking around and getting some same gender tail? How do you take the edge off?  If not in these ways, then what?  Are you cutting? Or maybe you're drunk by 11 am everyday... Am I warm?

Okay, I'm gonna step back for a minute and be fair (nice)...

The repeat offender,

You do find moments of Joy and Fulfillment in your family.  Your spouse is your companion and companionship is, well, it's what we all want.  You feel a kind of love for your children that is so fierce and unique and complete that it has changed the very fabric of you.

But what led you here? Fear? Fear that you wouldn't be loved if you had honored your truth? Fear that you wouldn't be loved any longer by parents, siblings, friends? I'm sorry. I am. I was married to someone who lived that fear for the first 39 years of his life. I'm sorry you are that afraid.

The secret lover,

I'm not sure you find joy in anything.  I mean you live a double life, right? The ongoing strain and stress and anxiety you must endure... I can't even imagine.

But you don't have to endure that.  You're an adult.  You have the power to choose- continue the state you are living in or announce to the world who your authentic self is and, yes, perhaps endure some pain from the fallout of that, but ultimately you will have more peace and joy.  Don't you think? Am I wrong? I've been wrong...

The cured returned missionary,

You are starting down a road of hope and expectation that will ultimately be heartbreaking, and not just for you.

You want to be the one who breaks the mold.  The one who can stand up in front of all people and nations and proclaim that you are a changed person.  Unfortunately, the Club Unicorn frenzy is only encouraging this dream for you.  Well, not every black girl from Arkansas who was molested by her father will grow up to be Oprah Winfrey (props to Wendy Penrod for that one).  And I wouldn't say that the Club Uni couple has reached that level of success.  Not even close.

And to you, I am sorry.  For you, the thought of giving up the dream means giving up everything.  Everything you have been taught to utterly live for.  You have feelings of desperation on this matter. I can understand that.  I can!

Just don't make an uninformed decision. That means talk to others who are or have been in your situation.  Don't rely on the advice or counsel of those who simply do not truly understand your plight.


  1. Ashley, I LOVE this one. It hits so close to my heart and even though I do not doubt for ONE minute that I am doing the right helps me know I am doing the right thing.

    And I am one of those who did have to endure some pretty horrific treatment from people (it can be said that evangelicals are just as judgmental on this as LDS)I am now on really good terms with my husband, my kids are happy and we are ALL on our way to authentic happiness and fulfilled lives.

  2. Society has made it not "ok" to be gay. Don't forget that. We are an "abomination" (In the words of the President (Bush) of the US - the freest nation in the world). Joel Osteen even says that gays "aren't Gods best work". We are shunned and told we are sinning and going to Hell DAILY. I just read a story today online that a pastor said that Hurricane Isaac is punishment for gay sin from God directly for hosting Southern Decadence, an annual gay festival held in NOLA every year. We can't even legally be married to one another because our "lifestyle" is morally unacceptable and perverse. Easier said than done. I wish your blog could fix the problems of the world, but it can't and won't. I appreciate your effort and words though. Over 1 billion people follow the teachings of the Bible, so I think it's going to be a looooooooooooooong fucking time before gay men are brave enough to Be. Who. They. Are.

    1. Yes, I agree that society says it's not okay to be gay. But the more people that come out and are honest about who they are, the more people will realize that it's okay. And then it's safer for the next generation. I believe that we are getting there!

  3. Chris, I am pretty sure God was aiming Hurricane Isaac at the Republican National Convention in Tampa. That pastor was mistaken.

  4. God doesn't exist. There was never time.

  5. Ashley - do you read Feminine Mormon Housewives? It's a very interesting read.

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