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Showing posts from October, 2012

Sweet Little Presha-loo-loo is Tired of Election Stuff and Stuff

Gorgeous.  Reminds me of Ada.  

Game of Carols

I had this genius idea the other day.

Ever seen/read Game of Thrones?  If not, the phrase "Winter is coming" is repeated throughout.

What they are referring to is the fact that in this world seasons last a very long time, like, years. They are speculating that they are at the end of summer, which has lasted several years.  Then after a short autumn, winter will set in for a good long time.  And no one ever knows how long it will last.

Add to that these rascals called 'White Walkers'.  Zombies.  They live in the cold places, and when it's winter everywhere...

The Wall- a giant wall of ice and snow that separates the 7 kingdoms from the Wildlings

Night's Watch/Brothers in Black- the men who dedicate their lives to living at The Wall to protect the 7 kingdoms

Winterfell- Stronghold in the North (but south of The Wall)

My idea is a spoof-

"Christmas is coming."

It's said with just as much of a sense of impending doom.

I had Jeremy help me flesh …

Children of Divorce

No couple brings children into the world thinking, "I hope my child grows up to be healthy and happy, gets a college education,  and will have to deal with the divorce of their parents!"

Tomorrow my youngest, Ada, will be 8.

She was 5 when we broke the news to her about the divorce.

I haven't written about that yet, because it's too painful to revisit.  I could safely say it was the worst day of my life.

I grew 4 lives inside of my body, never intending to inflict the most incredible heartbreak a child can imagine, next to the news of a parent's death.

When I was about 4 or 5, my mother called me to her and said, tearfully, "I need to tell you something...  Your daddy's brother, Glenn, died today."

I heard, "Your daddy died today."

Until I die, I will never forget the devastation and wrenching that my heart experienced in the next few minutes.  I remember crying like I never had before, from the very pit of my soul.  It was a Sunday.

Week in Review (Wherein Matt and I Are No Longer BFF's, Emma Leaves, & I Walk a Tightrope)

I don't know who the fuck I am anymore.

And I think that's fantastic.

A fact I've learned is that my humanity goes beyond Mormonism.

When I was actively Mormon, it did not.  It could not.  To quote my mother, "The Church is everything."  Every time I tried to push against the inside of that box, I was knocked back.

As I've said before, I lived in fear of stepping out of that box, out of myself, and walking a tight rope.

And why do that now?  Because there was something on the other side of that rope that I needed. Not the White Rabbit, not temptation...
What was waiting for me on the other side was... me. 
So, if that thing on the other end of the tight rope is Me, then why do I not know who I am? Because I haven't made it across yet.

It's hard and it's scary, so it would naturally be slow-going.  And yet it's the only place for me to go.  Going back now would be a lie.  
I will never be done talking about Mormonism.  I will never not hav…

A Very Confusing Thing That Happened (with a Healer)

So, I went to see a Healer once.
It was last summer.
What I mean by a Healer is someone who puts their hands on your head to fix a physical problem that is caused by an emotional problem.I don’t mean he/she puts their hands on your head in a fashion like unto a Mormon priesthood holder giving a blessing, but rather, someone who has, or believes he/she has, a gift- a gift that is innate, inborn; a healing gift that is not ‘bestowed’ by a religion. You may think that type of thing is hogwash, but just listen to the story-
{Sidenote~ I’ve been open to the idea that there are people with such gifts for a long time- yes, even when actively Mormon.Why do I bring that up?Because I think that in general Mormons aren’t comfortable with the idea that there is legitimate ‘power’ outside of the church/gospel/priesthood.
And just a quick $0.02 on what my spiritual stylings are:I see that we are all miraculous.I see the Universe as miraculous.Whatever force you want to believe is responsible for th…

Some Things That I Used to Love, but Now I Hate So Much... and Visa Versa:

Homework.  I really did enjoy it all the way until 12th grade.  In college, not at all.  Now, helping my kids with it, makes me wanna punch windows out.

Blood and Guts.  When I was a kid, I couldn't handle the thought of shots, having blood drawn, surgeries.  When someone would mention such things, I felt like I was being cut into.  Also, I couldn't stand looking at wrists.  Now, I love Walking Dead which is all of those things.

Classical Music.  I'm not sure what the psychology is behind this, but it used to hurt me.  I mean, it made me have ANGST and wailing and gnashing of teeth!!!  Now, it is like pure oxygen and catharsis.  There is something about beautiful perfectly played music with no words to dictate what to think or feel.  The music is my own to interpret and apply to anything I'd like.

Reading.  I struggled to enjoy it for many many many years.  Now, it's one of those things that I wish I had more time for, like, a hot bath (but better).

Cooking.  Scre…

Teaching Time Again! (I Am Wise Like Unto Galadriel)

Read this first.

Another teaching of sister Ashley....

Ashley says:
What can i teach you this morning?

Carrie says:
Why are women attracted to bastards?

Ashley says:
It all goes back to Eve and her attraction to satan. We are born with it, like men are born with an attraction to any woman naked (see the correlation?). But just because we're born with it doesn't make it okay. We are supposed to go, "Okay, I'm not attracted to THIS man at all, so he must be a good guy. " So there's the formula for choosing a mate.

Carrie says:

Ashley says:
What else?

Carrie says:
Ex's. why?

Ashley says:
Because there is an opposite to everything in life: light/dark, sad/happy, current love interest/ex, eating/barfing.
Carrie says:
Why are they like recurring nightmares?

Ashley says:
Okay, well...
Yes, I'm glad you asked.
Ever see Clockwork Orange?

Carrie says:

Ashley says:
That has nothing to do with it.
Next question...

Carrie says:
Does love really stink? Or…

On a Jet Plane

I believe it was January of this year, while I was still in Cedar with all 4 of my kids, that Emma said to me one night, "Mom, I want to go live with dad."

And there it was.

That statement that every custodial parent of a divorce dreads to hear; that statement that my therapist said would come eventually from one, if not more, of my children.

Regardless of what the circumstances were that led Emma to want to leave my home and go to her dad's, I had to detach as much as possible.  I couldn't take it personally.  Even if it was personal.

Emma wanted a different experience.  Emma needed her dad.  Emma needed to have a sense of power over her life.  She needed to feel like she was in control of something. 

How could I begrudge her that?  She'd lost her idea of family.  She'd lost her childhood home. She'd lost her dad to another state.  She'd lost her mom for a scary time while I was a depressed blob of flesh.

So, when she said this, I don't know i…

I'm Grateful for My Retainer

I am grateful for...

the unexpected fall weather in Redlands.

tender moments, teaching moments, and laughing moments with my kids.

California and Colorado both start with a 'C'.

the coffee shop down the street from me that has coffee.

my job at a very cool store which makes me feel cool.

my body and my large hip bones and my long legs and my ass.

my private jet.

my guest role on New Girl.

my guest role on Girls.

the smell of chimneys.

my boat.

my life with a man I am in love with in Colorado who gets me and supports me.

being the funniest person on the planet.

my brand new, perfectly functioning, air conditioned car.

my large new home with more than enough room for me and my kids.

Harry Potter.

season 3 of The Walking Dead.

all the money I make that keeps pouring into my life like those letters from Hogwarts did in the first Harry Potter.

my eyebrows being blonde enough that you can't really tell how long it's been since they were waxed.

opportunities t…


As I contemplate my own strength gained through life experience, I think of women who are amazing examples to me of those things.  Not that they have reached some idyllic destination, some end all be all or that they got it all figured out.

It's their journey and their survival that amazes me.  It's watching how they learn to cope.  It's seeing how astounding the female creature is in reaching new planes, new heights through trials while sometimes seeing their male counterpart let life affect them quite the opposite.

Women GO ON. We improve.  It's not that we don't wallow or cry or even shut down completely for a time.  We eventually find a way, almost subconsciously, to use difficulty to flourish.  There is something about what we do with any crap that life dumps on us.  We become seasoned- more and more seasoned as we get older and move further along our unique paths.  We embrace the knowledge that is gained through hard experiences as a gift.

We turn loss, wea…

Tips on Parenting by Ashley

When talking with your teenagers, use the word 'penis' as often as logic will allow.  For example, when you're teaching your teenage daughter to put air in a car tire.

When you are buying alcohol at the grocery store, and your young child asks if the adult beverage is for you, smile confidently and say, "No. It's for your father."

When the children don't obey you when told to do their chores, say, "Okie doke.  Suit yourself." And then when their gay father pulls into the driveway from work, begin to laugh, heartily.  Tell them, through your laughter, "Your dad's home!  He's gonna be so pissed at you guys!"

Make jokes often and consistently about hefty topics, i.e., gay dad, teenage sex, STD's, money, your only male child's genitals.  It really breaks the ice and everyone becomes much more at ease with discussing things openly.  And that's good, cause good communication is real important.

When the kids' bedtime…

Birthday Night at Taylor's

So, I wasn't sure if I was gonna tell ANYONE this, much less put it on my blog, but I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I worked the night of my birthday.  Enjoyed every minute of it.  Came home, got kids tucked in, and decided to go try out a bar in town that I'd heard has karaoke.

Matt was out of town.  Didn't want to call up any of my new friends here at 11pm.  I went alone.

I walked into the bar, and there were 2 people there-  the bartender and some guy.

And it was dead quiet.  No music.  No talking.  Obvi, no karaoke going on.

I saddled up to the bar and started asking questions:

"No karaoke tonight, huh?"

"Why is it so quiet?"

"Why is there no music playing?"

"Is it always this empty?"

After I got all my answers, I nodded slowly and said, "Well, I'll stay for a drink.  It's my birthday."

The dude sitting at the bar told the bartender, Kathy, "I'll buy her drink."

"Awww...thanks.  I…

A New Story

I have a dear friend that I will call My Angel.

She taught me a concept that is brilliantly brilliant.  It's all about Telling a New Story.  Changing the old story, because the old story gets old.

After some raw emotions and potent posts recently about Mormonism, and a friend pointing out to me that I am still so defined by that, I've decided it's time to Tell a New Story.

So here it is:

I am defined by me.  I am defined by who I am, and what I choose to surround myself with.

I am surrounded my loving family and friends who are accepting and nonjudgmental of me.

I am surrounded by opportunities for growth and success any which way I turn.

I am free of any obstacles that hold me back from Spiritual Growth.

I am on a clear Spiritual Path that leads me toward enlightenment and joy.

My experience with religion brought me what I needed for very crucial periods of my life, but now I have moved upward to more light and truth and beauty.

I am grateful for how Mormonism s…

Bonus Weekend Post: Margene's Magnificent Tips and Treasures

Hana's First Driving Lesson OR Hana is Such a Girl OR Not Such a Great Idea

This was yesterday.  

Today's Special is... "Identity"

Food for thought...

I posted an article on my boyfriend's wall a couple of days ago.

A mutual friend of ours commented:

"Hey Ash! Remember how your life still revolves around the church, I mean, I am an active Mormon and I don't post, blog, talk about or even think about the church half as much as you do. Will you ever find a way NOT to be defined by the church?"

My private reply to this was:  

"So to respond to your question about how much I talk and think and post about the church...
Breaking away from the church was like losing an arm or a leg, even if I decided to chop it off myself. If I'd lost an arm, I talk about it a lot and what life would be like without it, thinking about my arm more than I thought about my arm when I actually had it.
Breaking away from the church is also like a divorce. I still talk about my divorce from Matt a lot, because I'm still dealing with how I have changed because of it. I was married to Matt for only 13 years. I was '…

My Official Birthday Post Written by Melissa Singleton as Me

So, it's my birthday.

As a Mormon I was conditioned into believing that on this day, similarly to Mother's Day, I should have a homemade breakfast in bed put together by none other than my kid's sticky fingers and the all glorious non-gay non-ex husband should be standing in the door way waiting for the sticky fingers to clear so he could properly finger me into a birthday orgasm.
Okay, well the breakfast part anyways.  I've never heard anyone in my years of Relief Society attendance even whisper the word finger...  And they should! But that is for a future crumpet blog post.
Instead I groggily type away before i roll out of bed and my sticky fingers ignore me and if I'm lucky my gay ex won't finish off the coffee before I get to it.  
But.... The thing is about it all is that even though there is a bunch I'd change, today will be quite the day because "I'm a bad ass mother who don't take no shit from no one" and "I can do anyth…

Taking the Kids Out in Public

Birthday dinner last night (I work tonight) with kids at Eureka Burger in Redlands.  

 In this photo I was telling Emma, "Shut your mouth, or I will smack you."

Sidenote:  The Universe is bringing unto moi all the wonderful things for my birthday- This morning driving Hana to school, the radio gave me some Elton John, Guns N' Roses, Muse, and (wouldn't ya know it) Heart.  

Happy Birthday in a Hot Bath!

*Don't forget to submit your posts to me at!*

A Birthday Gift From You to Me

Tomorrow is my bday.

And y'all get to give me a birthday gift tomorrow for free!

You get to write a brief post for my blog as if you are ME!

It must include:

1) at least one swear word

2) something about Mormonism

3) something about my kids

4) something about my gay ex or divorce

5) it MUST be funny

Remember write it as if you were me.

Send me your writings at

(Look for more fun posts for my bday tomorrow!  We're all in this together!)

Love, Ashley

Living Sans Fear

Jeremy suggested I post about this topic.

The night after we met, Jer and I were at a karaoke bar in Cedar City.  I was attracted to Jeremy.  Hugely.  If I'd had a penis, it woulda been chubby.

Karaoke had become a part of my modus operandi a few years prior (in case you haven't divined this fact from my blog already, I AM THE QUEEN REGENT OF KARAOKE).  So when my turn to sing came, I changed Jeremy's world forever. That girlish, giddy attraction didn't stop me from being exactly who I was in front of a new crush.

I asked him later, "So what'd you think of my song?"

He replied, "I saw a woman who has been liberated."

My mental reaction was like, Yeah, duh!

He's mentioned this spirit of liberation he's seen in me a few times since then.  Interesting how he could identify 'liberation' specifically when he didn't know me before I was liberated. The reason he knew without having to know me prior is because he understands Mormoni…

The Next Tide of Cultural Change That Will Force the Mormon Church to Reform, Yet Again

The California ban on conversion/reparative therapy...

Been thinking about it.  A lot. 

When this ban becomes more widespread, what in the world will the Mormon church do?  

What is it going to do now in California?  

Bishops in California can no longer recommend to their gay members under the age of 18 to a therapy that is now illegal.  

Let's say the ban never happens in Utah.  Never ever.  

There are gay Mormons in other states.  49 of them.  Slowly, but surely, some of these remaining states will follow suit with this ban on conversion/reparative therapy.

And the Mormon church will have to ride the wave of cultural change.  Again.

I'll go a step further.

What will the church do if they cannot tell its gay members that homosexual 'tendencies' can be 'fixed' or even assuaged because there is no where the church can send them for it to be 'fixed'?  

Will they start accepting, once and for all, across the board, that it is just as much a part of an individual'…