When talking with your teenagers, use the word 'penis' as often as logic will allow. For example, when you're teaching your teenage daughter to put air in a car tire.
When you are buying alcohol at the grocery store, and your young child asks if the adult beverage is for you, smile confidently and say, "No. It's for your father."
When the children don't obey you when told to do their chores, say, "Okie doke. Suit yourself." And then when their gay father pulls into the driveway from work, begin to laugh, heartily. Tell them, through your laughter, "Your dad's home! He's gonna be so pissed at you guys!"
Make jokes often and consistently about hefty topics, i.e., gay dad, teenage sex, STD's, money, your only male child's genitals. It really breaks the ice and everyone becomes much more at ease with discussing things openly. And that's good, cause good communication is real important.
When the kids' bedtime is rolling around and you are too tired to go through that rigamarole, go to sleep yourself or just leave the house. When you wake up/come home say in disbelief, "Why are you guys still awake?! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" It teaches them to be independent.
When you move back in with your ex-husband and things don't seem to be going too special, take advantage of this teaching moment with your kids. Smile and say, "See, it's really good that your dad and I got divorced! Isn't it wonderful? Everyone should get a divorce!" This will make them feel special and privileged. They will assume that all their friends with married parents are jealous (as well their friends should be) and sad. It's a surefire formula for more confidence in your child's step and success in school.
Say your middle school child is late, because she doesn't get out of bed when her alarm goes off, or when you have attempted to wake her up between 4 and 7 times. If she asks for a ride, because there is not enough time now to walk the quarter mile to school, throw the tea kettle that is in your hand across the room and scream about how she needs to use her fucking brain. After which, whether or not you drive her to school is irrelevant.
When you are in a bad mood, a negative mood, a stressed out state, or sad, GET LOST. Go away and come back when you are in a better state of mind to deal with the kids. Taking your shit out on them is damaging. But if you don't do this, and lose it one night with the children, post about it on Facebook. You'll usually get a lot of people commenting that they have been shitty parents at times, too. Then you'll be able to sleep better.