I cannot tell you how lovely and magical that October morning was- the entire month, for that matter.
That first morning, I took Jeremy to my favorite diner which became 'our diner'.
After breakfast, we went back to his place. It was chilly and dark. I kissed him. He kissed me back. Next thing I know, he's makin' me feel like a natural woman. Le sigh...
You want details. I know you do. Because I know you. And it's not that I'm nervous about my mom reading the intimate details or anything- Hi, Mom! Love you! I miss you! [A couple of times, I have randomly texted my mom, "Hey, Mom! Jeremy and I had sex today!" She really hates it when I do that.] But there are a couple of kids that grew in my uterus who are girls and teens now who may read this. Let me emphasize may. I'm pretty sure they don't, because they don't really care about my blog at all. But you never know.
Back to Jeremy and Cedar City:
We go for walks. We go on dates. We watch Doctor Who. We drink coffee and Blue Moons.
We decided to not have him over to my place when the kids are home. I wanted to attempt to keep those two parts of my life separate as much as possible. Why, you ask?
Because my kids' lives were complicated enough. Let me walk you through that:
#1 Their parents got divorced.
#2 The news that dad is gay.
#3 Mom dating anyone is very weird, regardless if they have met him.
#4 They had to leave their childhood home (not that that is necessarily traumatic, but it was for them as it was right on the heels of the divorce and my depression).
#5 Dad had to move away to take a job in California.
#6 Mom is working pretty much full-time, which has never happened before in their lives.
The kiddos didn't need someone coming around who they may or may not like. Someone who may or may not be in my life long-term. And I wasn't sure if they would resent having a male figure around a lot that wasn't their father. Especially, if I'd shown him any affection at all in front of them.
Another person I wanted to keep the 2 things separate for was me. I'll explain:
#1 I didn't want to mix the worlds of Ashley the Woman and Ashley the Mom. They are very different worlds. Very different people. Ashley the Woman just entered a new realm in her life. I wanted to be there without kids.
#2 The stress of worrying about whether or not the kids like Jeremy.
#3 The stress of worrying about whether or not Jeremy likes my kids.
Back to me and Jeremy:
He makes me feel like a teenager. And I love it. He makes me giggle like a girl. When I am with him, I don't feel like I lost out on any of my youth. I feel sexy. I feel young. I feel confident.
I can share my emotions with him freely. He listens and is gentle.
I can share my journey with Mormonism with him- my transition I should say. And, boy, does he get it. And that's so awesome. He patiently watches me figure things out for myself, never pushing me in one direction or another.
I can be ridiculous with him. I am uninhibited. He loves it. He gives me the greatest gift I could receive in a relationship with a man- laughter.
He pops in on me at the library from time to time. It's one of my favorite things that he does. I'm shelving books way down in the corner of the library, and I see a person all of the sudden in my periphery, look up, and it would be him. Him, with a sly smile on his face. And I'd want to kiss him and devour him and lick him from his cheek to his eyeball and chew on his ass cheek right there among the books. But I tried to be professional at work.
November rolls around and then Thanksgiving. Jeremy's daughter, Jeremy's father and his father's husband were planning on coming to Cedar for the holiday. I told Matt to take the kids to his family's shin dig for Turkey Day again, because Jeremy invited me to spend the holiday weekend with him and family.
Jeremy and his family spent the morning and part of the afternoon sight-seeing. Our Thanksgiving dinner plans were for 5:00. Matt and kids had already left for Provo/Orem. I was all alone most of the day. And I panicked. Emotions from the previous year were resurfacing. I called Matt crying. He was very sweet. I calmed down...a bit. I tried calling Jeremy. No answer.
When I walked into the restaurant and saw Jeremy et al in the waiting area, I was still apprehensive. About 15 seconds after walking in and meeting his dad, dad's husband, and daughter, Jeremy whispered in my ear, "I'm so sorry I forgot to bring my phone with me today. I was so worried about you all day."
That night, when it was almost time to put his daughter to bed, the three of us were coloring. Jeremy broke the silence and said to me, "Ash, you're all alone tonight?" Meaning, I'd be going home to an empty house.
I nodded quietly.
His daughter said, "That's poor."
"Poor?" he asked her.
"Yeah, that she has to be alone tonight." Then she whispers into Jeremy's ear, "Can she sleep over? I can sleep on the floor, and she can have my bed."
Jeremy said something about how he would think about it. Then he went to the bathroom.
His daughter and I are still coloring. She looks at me and says, "Is it okay that I make sure you're not alone?"
Has anyone ever spontaneously combusted from too much love feelings? Cause I'm pretty sure I got close to that.
Jeremy put his daughter to bed, and I told her I would be okay. Meaning, I'm going to sneakily sleep with your dad in his bed tonight after we do some happy things to each other.
But first Jeremy and I watched Jude with his dad and the husband.
That whole Thanksgiving evening/night was practically perfect. And even though we were't saying 'I love you' yet, I felt utterly loved.