Remember when I said this back on June 13th:
"I'm not really crazy about
blogs. I read a blog post maybe once
every 6 months. It's just the way I am.
Today I use this
blog as a tool. And this may be the only post," ?
So, turns out, I'm doing this blog.
I love sharing. I always have. But I had been searching out in my mind and heart the best way to share my experience for a couple of years. And then something happened back on June 12th...
(SCENE BLURS TO A FLASHBACK)
THE DAY before my first post went live, I was getting so bent out of shape because of a message that was infiltrating the ether. I felt with every miniscule part of me that this message, which I will not name on here, was leading minds and hearts in the opposite direction we, as humans, need to be going.
I called Jeremy after work that day and asked him to meet me. "Of course, sweetie," he replied.
He met me and I vomited all my feelings out about the crazy-ether-message thing. He knew at the time that I'd desperately wanted to tell my story, my thoughts, my experience-shaped-beliefs. And when there was a lull in my spewing, he leaned in a bit, dropped his chin so our eyes were level, and said something he'd already said a few times in months past, "Ash, you need to start a blog." And for the first time, it finally rang true. Yes. Yes, that is what I need to do. I knew that. Yeah.
And I went home and wrote my heart out.
I genuinely tried so hard to be mormon-mother-in-zion-temple-straight-wife. But truth is I lived in a state of bullshit for too long. I could feel what some were thinking when I was in my mo-mo marriage. But I didn't need any help to feel like a joke.
I feel so authentic now. I can breathe. It's like a drug. And I want everyone to see how motherfrikyan real I am. I want to be true and me and naked and out there and everything! That's right, I said naked, bitches!
*If you hear a voice in your head saying, "shit" following a groan proceeded by a heavy sigh juxtaposed with an immediate migraine, that would be my ex-husband.