Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I Haven't Ruled Out That It Could Be My Twin

In the ER... brain cloud.

Nah, it's a staph infection. (See previous post for the beauty on my hip that looks like a boob.)

Here's today's photo: 



It's like the Eye of Sauron. 

They're about to drain this bitch, pack it, and send me home chock full of antibiotics. 

They gave me a tetanus shot about 20 minutes ago. So I'm good for 5 years. 

I went ahead and asked if they could switch out my Mirena IUD while they're at it. That way, I can take care of renewing both in 2018. You know, for convenience. But the cute man-nurse with a girlfriend was uncomfortable with how excitedly I asked him to do it. 

No new Mirena. 

So I'll go home with a snoopy band-aid instead. 


(I'm a good girl.)

Dude in bed across from me is getting his hand sewn up. They just told him to close his eyes. I'm just countin' my blessings is all. I may change my tune once they slice The Eye open. I'm a teensy bit nervous. 

Sunday, July 14, 2013

I'm Brazen, and Maybe Even a Hussy

Should I just go live with my parents? 

Should I have all 4 kids live with Matt and I rent a room? 

Should I become a call girl? The high-class, makes 6 figures kind?

It's too hard. 

Scraping by. 

Telling my kids 'no', they can't have this $3 ice cream or that $15 shirt. 

Exhaling mightily when they tell me they need new shoes because there are holes in the current pair or their feet have grown. 

It's so damn hard. Too hard. 

I feel like I'm a pretty good person. I'm smart. I'm witty. I'm a hard worker. I'm even pleasant. 

Why is it so hard? 

I'm not pursuing acting because I need to be a parent first. 

I'm not in school because I put all my eggs (for now anyway) in a $35,000 a year basket (see previous post). 

I'm ready to throw in the towel. I'm feeling beat. I'm the woman who lived in a shoe. I'm Lady Madonna. 

What I want is to be valued for my talents and intellect. $Valued$ 

I'm not ashamed to say it! 

I am worth chasms more than this barely scraping by bullshit! More than this I-should-forgo-deodorant-so-I-can-gas-up-the-car joke way of living. 

I got a spider bite on Wednesday. Today, Sunday, it's nasty. Discolored. Bright red. Painful. Swollen. And rather than take myself to an urgent care, I'm waiting till after 4 tomorrow for the free clinic. 

I can't lose work hours- I'm paid hourly. And I don't have insurance so whatever bill I'd rack up tonight at urgent care would inevitably go to collections. 

Fuck that. 

I've got 3 huge open accounts in collections as we speak! 

And WHY? Because, I'm resolved to making minimum wage, thus couldn't pay all the bills. 

And WHY? Because my résumé is freaking pathetic. 

WHY? Because I was raising my kids for over a decade before life went upside down. 

Look at me!! I'm freakin' hot! 

How am I not making more $ in this world with a face like this?? Yeah, that's right! I said that! 

I said it!!

(The following photo is not my face)


(That is also not my boob)

Long live Jambi. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Summer 2013 (What the Hell is Going On with Ashley)

I applied to a graduate program at an extremely reputable school called Loma Linda University about 5 minutes down the street from me.  I applied.  I interviewed.  I got in.  But I'm not going.  It's just too damn expensive- yes, even with a $20,000 student loan award.  Looking into other options for fall of 2014.




Jeremy and I are no longer together.  Sad face.  There was just too much time and distance apart.  I really needed him and him, specifically, during a very crucial part of my journey and discovery.  I will be grateful always for him.

Emma is home.  She is home.  Home!  Hooooommmme!  No more waking up at 3am with my-13-year-old-daughter-lives-in-another-state panics and tears.  I'm so happy.  Matt and I picked her up in Vegas a couple weeks ago, and Matt was the happiest, most silly, go-lucky I'd seen him in... too long.



My sister is still living with us, as are her daughters for the summer.



I'm still feeling somewhat lost in my corner of California.



Reasons that may be:

Possible Reason #1)  I really don't belong here.  This is for my kids, and Ashley's Mecca will have to wait- perhaps it's even being perfected for me during this flux.

Possible Reason #2)  The weather.  This IS the Inland Empire.  It IS a desert.  Even if Redlands is more or less the Atlantis of this 3rd World Country known as the I.E.

Possible Reason #3)  I'm a bad person.

Matt and I struggled a lot in this last year.  In our relationship.  I think I envision this Will & Grace kind of idea for us.  That is certainly not always or often the case.  I still love him in a special way that I'll never be able to love anyone else, because A) I'll never ever ever have another baby daddy B) I'll never ever ever have another gay ex and C) there will never ever ever be another Matt.  And right now things are good.

A couple of days ago I downloaded an app on my phone to meet men.

Yeah.  I did.

It's supposedly not just for hooking up... However, the night I downloaded it, a dude sent me a photo of his penis.  And just so I could have the complete opposite of that experience, the 2nd night I was chatting with someone who asked me very quickly, "You're not Mormon, are you?"

"What in the world made you ask that?!"

"Just a feeling."

"Um, well...I used to be... Not anymore..."

"Oh? What happened?"

"Wait...are you Mormon??"

"Yes.  But I consider myself a freethinker."

"Are you ready to learn something about me?"

"Yes."

"I was married to a homosexual."

"And?"

Uh...this is our first conversation and on a dating app's chat, no less.  How in the world do I put this so we can move on to other topics???

"Well...when I gave myself permission to accept that I disagreed with the church on the GAY ISSUE, everything else started crumbling around me.  It was heartbreaking.  The fairy tale wasn't true."

"So, how do you know the church isn't true? I understand this was painful for you, but how do you know?"

"Um..."

"This was your experience and it must have been hard, but do you have proof?"

"Like I said, things, over time, crumbled right before my eyes.  I didn't ask for that to happen, but it did."

"Yeah, I got it, thanks.  You were hurt.  But how do you know the church isn't really true, dear?"

"Dear?"

"You're giving me gravy and I want meat, damnit.  This is all emotion, but I want your proof or evidence that the church isn't true."

At this point, my hands were shaking and I could barely see what was on my phone's screen.

How do I put a button on this so I can end this CHAT and block him??!!!

"Okay, so you're clearly getting defensive.  You asked ME.  I just shared some serious emotional stuff with you over this Chat.  Leaving was not about proof or evidence for me, but about Love and Safety.  I find your tone extremely odd and very uncomfortable."

Send.

Block.

Since when is a Mormon's testimony based on proof or evidence anyway?!  Any Mormon or otherwise believer will tell you it's fundamentally based on Faith.

So I came to 2 possible conclusions about this Blonde Mormon Man on the dating app:

Possible Conclusion #1)  He's in serious denial about the fact that he ain't sure one way or t'other of the church's TRUEness.

Possible Conclusion #2)  He's closeted.

Easy Peasy!  (can't wait to see the haters' comments on this one)

I'm Ashley.  Opinionated.  Not afraid of stereotypes.  I sum things up to my own satisfaction.

JUST LIKE ALL OF YOU.


Lastly, my daughter, Hana, who's 15, has her first official job.  She works at a water park.  And our relationship is really pretty great.