Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Quadruple

So I haven't talked to my dad in about 3 1/2 years now.

I could tell you some fascinating stories about why this is. Stories that teeter on the point of entertainment.

The point for today is:

I was informed by my mother that my father will be having quadruple bypass heart surgery tomorrow.

God.

What am I supposed to do with THAT?

I don't need anyone to tell me that now is the time to make peace with my dad. My choice is/was not an issue of forgiveness nor is it a form of punishment I'm inflicting upon my dad.

My parents, I think, feel differently.

All that aside, this certainly makes me think. Think thoughts that I don't have time for. I don't have the emotional energy for these thinks.

It just makes me wanna sleep. In a cave. That's dark. With bottles of wine.

My dad.




Saturday, January 26, 2013

Why I Need A TV

I don't watch TV much at all ever.

Except for the following:

Game of Thrones
The Walking Dead
New Girl
Girls

Anywho, there's no TV set up here yet. Not even DVD watching capability. So what are Timothy and Ada doing? Throwing pencils and erasers into the pool from our balcony.

Now, I'm sure if my children didn't suffer from a 'lack of parenting', they wouldn't need to do that... Or watch TV even!

I love cuddling with my kids.

I love having deep conversations with them.

I love playing with their toes.

I love making them laugh.

I've never been good at the other stuff, like, 'Let's all gather 'round the family dinner table and sculpt the faces of all the presidents out of clay!'

I tried to get a game of Memory going this morning. And that quickly morphed into the afore mentioned 'what can we projectile into the pool of our new complex that has as many rules and doctrines and signs and symbols as Mormonism?' activity.

I mean, hey, y'all. I grew up on TV.

Lots of it.

And look how I turned out!

(Interpret that as you will.)

(Yes, a gay-marrying, failure of Mormonism)

(Now go jump in a lake.)

















Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Zoloft.

I went without my Zoloft for about a week.  I was waiting for it to come in the mail from Cedar City.

Thing with this stuff is, you can't just stop taking it.  People have killed themselves and stuff.

And when you DO just stop, cold turkey, it only gets worse before it starts getting better.  If you haven't offed yourself already, that is.

Been yelling at the kids a lot.  For little things.  I know I am absolutely ridiculous as the high pitch/high volume crap leaves my mouth.  I CAN'T HELP IT.  CAN'T.  This is one of the reasons Zoloft sucks.  Or just ceasing to take it, anyway.  It's like, your chemical/mental/even-keelness train is deeeerailed.  The track disappears. Suddenly.

It's brutal.  It's cruel.

The first thing I notice are what I call 'shocks'.  It's like an electric pulse randomly shoots through my entire body.  Those get worse and worse.

Then there are headaches.

Then there's crying at the drop of a hat... or purse... or keys.

Then, not being able to hold a thought in your head.  You think of something important; 2 seconds later, it's gone.

And for me, there's the yelling at my kids.

So a couple of nights ago, I was in my bed, vegging after a long week of working, rehearsals, and a performance, while Timothy and Ada were watching a movie in the living room.  My place is small enough that I can hear them without effort.

I hear Ada say, "Tim, can you pause that for a sec?"

Then I hear a knock on my bedroom door.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT??!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I reply.

Ada cracks the door and says, "I need to talk to you privately."

Something told me I was in trouble.

"Okay," I say.

She comes toward my bed, lies next me with her head in my armpit, and regardless of my mental state, I couldn't deny how amazing that felt.

She begins, "So, mom?"

"Yes?"

"You know how most of the time, after you've yelled at us, you apologize?"

"..."

"Mom?"

"Yes. Yes, Ada, I know."

"Well, you haven't been apologizing to us lately."

"..."

"Mom?"

"I know."

"How come?"

"(heeavvvyyyyy sigh)...Ada..."

"Yes?"

"I just... I have felt really really stupid lately about it.  Because of that, it's been harder to apologize."

"Oh, I see."

"..."

"Sooo, do you wanna say 'sorry'?"

"I'm sorry, Ada.  I love you."

"Love you, too!"  and I get a kiss on the mouth before she leaves the room and says to Timothy, "Okay, you can unpause the movie now."



Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Winter, Spring, Summer, or 'I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!'

Oh, y'all.  Just crazy, I'm telling you.

I took a trip to Cedar City last week to grab some essentials from my storage unit (going back hopefully next week to get the rest).  It was a kamikaze 2 day sitch.

I got to see Emma and take her and her friends to get ice cream.

I got to see Awesome and have some vittles at our favorite spot in town, Don Miguel's.

I got to see Mr. and Mrs. Hilarious and have coffee at The Grind.

I ran into other dear, dear friends.

After being in town for a few hours, I was overwhelmed by unexpected feelings.  And I cried.  At The Grind.

The feelings.  Shit.

Emotions were lingering there.  Like someone had a huge ink stamp and just started stamping Emotion Names all over the place, like:

Home

Ouch

Marriage

Primary President (yes, that is an emotion name)

BishopS

Kids, small

Kids, babies

Kids, hate me

Kids, love me

Friends, ghosts

Friends, really family now

Olde Depression

Family, dissolved

Fake Smiles That Become Real and Visa Versa

OhMyGodJeremyLivedHereWithHisWifeOnceUponATimeWhyCan'tIGetOverThatHistoryThatIWasNeverPartOf

As I started to trickle tears out of my eye holes, it all hit me.  All of these things AT ONCE.  AT ONE TIME!  ARE YOU GETTING THIS????

Most of all of these things...

It was 'Home' that struck me.  All the good, bad, ugly, mixed-orientation, in the name of Jesus Christ Amen that struck me.

Oh my god.  I needed friends at that minute.  And I had them.  Thank you God, Universe, Tom Cruise, and FB for the friends that love.  Friends that love and love and love and help you hide the bodies (or ghosts, as it were that day).

Forget the word 'friend'.  Its so much, muchly much, many much more than that. I need a new word...like...my Right Arm or my Left Foot or my Driving Force.

Mother of All!  I will ALWAYS be okay.

Because I have friends.






Friday, January 11, 2013

From This Day Hence, I Shall Have a Door.

I feel ~finally~ a breath of new life in my very soul of souls down to the deepest core of the farthest corner of my innermost soul chasm...

(and then make a left and proceed into the corridor of my most secret soul place)

Today, I move into my own apartment.

After looking and looking and looking (since August) and seeing that 99.914789% of apartments, homes, trailers, and cardboard boxes for rent around here don't come with a fridge and charge at least $850/mo for something D-E-C-E-N-T, I settled on a delightful condo WITH A FRIDGE...

**AND**

its own personal WASHER AND DRYER inside of the condo itself...

pools, hot tubs, playgrounds...

criminal screenings of residents...

Well, I'm not really gonna tell you how much rent I'll be paying.

Do I make enough money to live here?  Hahahaha!  Absolutely not, y'all!  

I will now go take a nice morning nap so that I am adequately refreshed to begin the task at hand.

...you guys?

I'm GOING TO HAVE A DOOR!

A DOOR TO CLOSE WHENEVER I WANT FOR WHATEVER I WANT!

A DOOR!

A DOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

PraiseJesusTheAlmightyHallelujahHowSweetIsTheMatchlessLove!



{Also, I am thinking a Mardi Gras Housewarming Party is in order.

IN BIG PHAT, BIG EASY ORDER!}





Thursday, January 3, 2013

2012 is Over; I'd Give You Everything I Got For a Little Peace of Mind.

Two Thousand Ten


I was separated/divorced for most of 2010.  I was like a bird out of a cage.  No... I was like a bird trying to fly for the first time.  Testing my wings.  Crashing and experimenting and hurting and getting stronger.

I'd had all my romantic hopes pinned on a fairy tale I'd created over only a couple of decades with The Boy which, after slowly accepting there was no reality in the situation, reduced me to a blob of woe.

I solidified close relationships with 2 amazing, beautiful, saintly female friends (Awesome & Southern Sister) in Cedar City who I would give my life for and not just because they SAVED me.  They truly did.  With their time and ears and vehement head-nodding and laughter and food and beverages.

I experienced 2 brand new types of pain~ 1) losing Matt as my constant companion and 2) that first weekend when the kids went to 'live' at Matt's place per our 4 days with me/3 days with Matt weekly arrangement.  My house that night was dark and cavernous and the silence was piercing.

I also started teaching Spin.  The catharsis of that was astounding.

Two Thousand Eleven


2011 was year of quiet discovery and falling in love with myself, which behooved me especially because toward the end of that year, I was raising all 4 kids on my own as Matt had moved to California.

The year started out with me losing my home- the first and only home Matt and I purchased as a married couple- to foreclosure. However the dreadfulness of that was quickly turned around as I left behind the memories and emotions in that house to live in a brand new town home with a bedroom that was truly and only mine and a sanctuary.  The euphoria was revitalizing.

I met Jeremy and fell in love.

I started working again.  Well, I don't know what I mean by 'again'.  I had the odd job here and there (usually theatre related) when married but primarily raising the kids.  But this time it was hard core for me.  I started working 14 hours/week at a gym and 24 hrs/wk at the public library.  I loved both jobs so much.  And, I am not ashamed to admit, I dreaded going home.  I had 2 girls in middle school who hated me.  I always had a mess to greet.  I was always always always tired.

Which brings us, ladies and gentlemen, to 2012...

Two Thousand Twelve


Aahhh...

The year started out with me still struggling and juggling- 2 part-time jobs, the kids, desperately needed time with boyfriend, emotional back and forth with church.

I emailed my mom.  "I NEED YOU." She bought a plane ticket the next day to arrive in a couple of weeks time.

A couple of days before she arrived, I went to the hospital because I was desperate.  Plain and simple.  Didn't know where else to go.  Matt drove back to Cedar City the next day and moved the 2 middle-school girls to California with him.

My mom arrived and while I worked and slept and spent time with Jeremy when he was home from his Shakespeare tour, she took care of my 2 younger children, cleaned and organized every inch of my town home, and made friends with my 3 cats.

I loved that time with my mom (Well, of course, you did!), and not just because of all the help, but because there was love in the house again. Mom stayed for 2 weeks.

Next, my sister arrived.  She took care of business like my mom did.  We stayed up late nearly every night talking, drinking coffee, and doing Tarot readings.

She stayed for a couple of weeks, too.

My house was in order.  I felt more calm and peace.  On the weekends, me and Timothy and Ada would cuddle on the couch in a clean, dark house and watch movies.  Precious, precious time.

Frankie, the cat I'd had since she was 6 weeks old, had kittens.  A magical experience for me and my kids to be a part of.  Jeremy was there for it, as well.

Now comes the part that was utterly different from the first half of the year.

The Club Unicorn post made the rounds.  Through my extreme frustration of this message and Jeremy's urging, I started this blog.  There were 50,000 views in the first week.  Terrifying.

And amazing.

I became a writer. Still scared.

Then, that same month, Matt called me and said, "When are you coming down here?"

The plan was always to go where Matt went.  For the kids.

Also, I could not pay rent.

So, after expressing to Matt that I had no money, let alone savings, he said, "Just come or you never will."

Now, today, after living with Matt again for 5 months, I am getting ready to move into my own place with Timothy and Ada.  Emma moved back to Cedar City in October.  Hana may need to live with me so I can have her help with the kids while I work.

The effects of a divorce are like ripples in the water.  They keep going and going and going.  No dust has settled.  No water is under the bridge.  Not for us.  Not yet.

And here I am.  A formerly practicing Mormon woman, who dedicated her life to raising 4 children while the husband got 2 Master's Degrees and steady work experience, who is floating spiritually, whose car is falling apart, who has lost 2 homes now, who has been sleeping on her ex-husband's couch for 5 months, who is one child less than she should be.

I continue a long distance relationship (with a gorgeous Italian man in Colorado named Jeremy) with the hope of relocating to be close to him in 6 months.  Because if there are any solid conclusions I've come to as 2012 closed up shop, they are that 1) I need to be cherished and 2) California is not for me.

Here's to manifesting calm, still waters in 2013.  As smooth as glass.  Yea, verily.